Hole in the head again, wrench the bit of cabbage free, scoop the bits of brain out of the dust and tie your belt round your head to keep the skin flap tight round the grey stuff. Just like they do in the films. Sigh.

Penfold picked himself up off the floor and stiffly walked over to a battered black dial phone that was unaccountably placed on an dusty wooden table in a corner of the arena. He spoke a couple of hushed words into the reciever and then headed for "Ye Olde Death Arena Tea Rooms" which had recently been built on the corner.

A black Hudson Terraplane screeched to a halt in the centre of the arena, throwing an arc of dust across AK's body, he opened his eyes for the first time since the cabbage exploded. 4 figures in sharp suits leapt out, 2 to each side, tommy guns simultaneously raised. He closed his eyes again.
Thwachathwakathwaka tiny cabbages* sliced into Ak's body, throwing him backwards. More ammo hammered into the side of the death arena, Albert the taco guy, Kaz's other leg (sending her joint flying too) and 15 or 16 other spectators and passer-bys. The tyres screeched again and then silence decended on the arena broken only by the moans of the injured and the tinkle of Penfolds teacup.

*Also known as sprouts.

Kaz then dived back into the doorway again as Penders rushed straight past her, pursued by 300 tons of homicidal cabbage fury. Penders seemed to have developed the bad habit of talking to himself, he was saying "Oh fuckitty fucking fuck fuck fuck" at the moment. He zigged, he zagged, he zigzagged, but still the rolling mouldy doom remained hot upon his posterior. He burst through the cabbage taco stand again, just as Albert the taco guy finished clearing up the mess Ak had made. Roll, scoop, mouldy cabbage leaves, only one thing for it. Run, munch, run, munch, run, munch, rumble, run, munch munch. Penfold felt the fortunate swelling in his abdomen, salvation! He stopped and bent over, releasing a massive yellow cloud of cabbagey fart directly into the robo-cabbage-AK's path.

spinspinspisnspinspi....crack

Penfolds head bounced off the side of the arena nice and solid. He lay still for a long moment before shuffling slowly to his feet. "Well you got me good, care for a victory drink?"

Ahdkaw grinned, it had been too easy "Is that some of your pressed cactus? Don't mind if I do" he said, snatching the bottle and quaffing a goodly portion.

"Er no," explained Penfold, stepping over Ak as he fell to the floor vomitting green golf ball sized lumps of nameless anatomical goo "It's Dr Goodmans Special Tincture of Mouldy Cabbage, famous as the worst tasting thing in the known world."
"Nice is it? I never did get round to trying it."

After many an ardous month checking the tequila cacti he had planted in the desert Penfold wandered back into town "Hmmm wonder what that big new arena thing is". He pushed his way though the bustling crowds and read the sign pinned to the entrance.

DEATH ARENA RULES
1. Shout out your challenges here.
2. Challenger names the weapon.
3. It's over when it's over.
4. It's a fucking death arena, how many rules do you want?

Slowly he took another bite of juicy cactus before yelling "Ahdkaw! Mouldy cabbages at 50 paces! C'mon man!"

Penfold threw a giant centipede to Ahdkaw and then sucked down on one himself. That had been a damn fine hootenanny and aside for a bunch more mole demons, maggot demons, winged gargoyles and giant lizards nothing really bad had turned up yet. A faint blue glimmer, hinting at dawn, was forming in the east and nothing trying to kill them had come out of the badlands in nearly 20 minutes. Sitting down on a relatively unbloody rock he pulled out his knife and began scraping the accumulated fur and gore off his trousers and boots; things might not turn out so badly after all, he still had plenty of ammo and had barely even had to use the silver bullets. So long as no more wizards, witches or other damn idiots did anything too foolish in the next few days he might even get a chance to ride out to a cave where he had a lot more ammo stored.

The dawn chorus was just starting and sitting in the gentle light enjoying the smell of the pungent smoke that drifted from Ahdkaws spliff one could almost believe all was right with the world, Penfold lay back and drifted into a light sleep...

Chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp scream chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp chirp chirpy chirp

"That was a funny bird call" Penfold mused "thought I knew all the birds round these parts"

chirp chirpy chirp scream chirpy chirp chirp

There it was again.
Oh.
Shit.

Penfold kicked Ahdkaw awake as he ran past and down the slope into the village where he bumped into Kaz asking "It's not you thats been screaming?"
Kaz glanced at him disdainfully "I'd figured it was something to do with you, maybe you'd breathed on..."
A fresh scream cut her off "It's down by the river". Penfold started running again only to be stopped after a few steps by a tall earth caked figure.
"Shit! Zombie!" He drew both pistols as the figure turned to face him.
"Don't shoot" came 'Doras voice as she appeared behind him. "This, I believe, is Ffarg and he's a wizard".
Penfold lowered the pistols again despite muttering "Same damn difference" under his breath. Dora stared at him even more beadily than usual for a moment "Now I think you had better go and find out who's screaming, I need to speak to Ffarg here, he will be very handy when the real demons start turning up. Don't you agree?"

Fortunately this was only a small group of Demon Hamsters not one of the big herds that roamed the southern end of the badlands. Barely numbered 5000 of the little devils if Penfold was any judge. Of course it didn't do to waste bullets on them, he was only shooting when the occasional maggot demon washed in on the furry tide. The way to handle hamster demons, as he showed AK when the drunken master finally caught up was with a strong pair of boots and, if one was handy, a mallet.

"Well out here it's what we we call square dancin' course it'd be nice if there was a few more of us and as your lady freind dont seem to be wanting to join us you'll have to put up with me as your partner." Penfold threw a mallet to AK who managed to catch it while almost falling over "I'll do the calls now; and ah 1,2,3 and 4.... GRAB YER PARDNER BY THE ARM..."

As the sound of squelching demonic rodents echoed across the valley, Penfold reflected that though a good hamster dance was always fun, the real trouble would arrive after sundown.

SWING 'EM ROUND AND DOZY DOE..."
Splattitty splat splat splattitty splat....

Penfold sat on the couple of remaining slats of the top floor of the villages wooden clock tower, rifle poised and standing slightly to one side of the slatted western window. Behind him a few strips of mole jerky were hanging from the ceiling and by his feet were the cracked shells of half a dozen 3ft long giant centipedes. They had been a lucky find, easy killing and the perfect food for a combat situation because you could just suck the innards out raw.

Below the tower AK was stumbling around trying to "find the whiskey bottle" but he could probably handle himself after all. Penfold had been impressed when another maggot demon had ambushed them and Ahdkaw had nutted it between the eyes before tearing its throat open with his teeth. A few years back another traveller had told Penfold about a "Drunken Man" combat technique where the fighter seemed harmless right untill he landed the killing blow and as he sat watching the steep slope that led up to the badlands he wondered if Ahdkaw was an expert at this art.

Movement. Penfold held his breath and swung his rifle to track it. The ground at the top of the valley was becoming a writhing mass of brown fur, flooding down towards the college.

Demon Hamsters! Penfold shouldered his rifle and ran downstairs, grabbing his mallet before he headed up the slope.

Having finished unloading both his pistols and reloading them with silver bullets, Penfold ran to catch up with Kaz and Ahdkaw "This one of your lecturers is then?" he asked Kaz, not failing to notice that she picked up speed as he approached. "Another traveller from other worlds huh? She must be pretty damn good to bring a building with her but you had better hope like hell she's got a few more tricks up her sleeves 'cause she just put a big bowl of magic on the table and shouted 'Come and get it' to every damn demon for 500 miles around"

Kaz stopped and turned to face him, rage clearly written on her face "Will you stop being so damn negat..." she was cut off by 'Dora's voice barked from the entrance of the college "Kaz, Ahdkaw good to see that you're ready for me. I didn't know that you knew Penfold"

Penfold, who was just about to get into a heated argument about "damnfool easterners" with Kaz spun round to see a nasty looking old lady with a crab claw for an arm staring at him. "Who the hell are...", 'Dora interuppted him smoothly "I'm Eldarado Sunshineface, you've never met me before but I've met you, or a version of you anyway." At this Penfold decided it paid to be subtle and only muttered "Damn travellers, always talk in riddles" under his breath before speaking more clearly again "Well I hate to break up a reunion, especially a reunion with people I've never met, but a good sized army of demons is going to be here by dusk, so I was kind a wondering if you had any more of that magic up your er...." here he got distracted by the crab claw again.

"I'm afraid moving the college here has used up all my available energy, so if you and Ahdkaw would like to start securing the grounds, I need to have some words in private with this establishments Dean" 'Dora dissapeared inside again, followed by a smirking Kaz.

Penfold waited for them to dissapear "I've only got about 400 silver bullets left, how about...?" as he turned he saw Ak was face first in the dust again. "Well demons feed on two things; magic and fear so maybe you can slip behind 'em without been noticed, huh?"

Penfold sat back a little way from the fire, good and bloated from a couple of demon steaks. Ahdkaw had been a bit unsure at first but had soon been converted by a succulent bit of rump. Kaz point-blank refused to have anything to do with "badlands beef" and eyed the strips of jerky that were hanging drying from the porch roof with barely concealed disgust.

"That was a maggot imp, and I'm sure you cold of handled it yerself" Penfold looked at Ahdkaw for a minute and then spoke directly to Kaz "Leastways you could, but I'll tell you somthin for free; if theres one of them then there'll be another dozen along soon. They're worse than roaches for that, though at least it keeps you from starvin anyhow."

He took another sip of beer, "Anyhow if you folks are gonna be doing any of that magic then this place is gonna be crawling with demons faster'n a hillbilly runnin to a still after the laws gone. Not just these little ones either. So why the hell are you coming all the way out here to set up your college? and is he..."
Penfold pointed at Ahdkaw, who was busy scrubbing some of yesterdays vomit off of his shirt "one of your lecturers or what?"

Penfold knelt in the thick bushes that surrounded the old pub, rifle held lightly in his hands and against his shoulder. His eyes stayed fixed straight ahead as the barrel moved slightly, following the movements inside the pub. Even though he was barely breathing Kaz still spotted him as she sat supping her beer; as she turned to face him he gently squeezed the trigger...

She was a tough one, no doubt about that, but she was from the east and didn't know how things worked out here. Sure she had the Official Papers of Settlement for the Village of Westhaven but settlers didn't tend to last too long in these parts. And as for all that crazy talk about some damn magic university, well, there was more than just outlaws and runaways up in the badlands; there were demons leftover from the great wars. They were attracted to magic like flies to fresh shit and they weren't all as nice as that Horab creature either.

In the pub the pile of rags suddenly unclenched and burst upwards out the door, ripping it off its hinges with a crash. The rags fell as it ran revealing an emaciated maggot-white body with long scrawny arms and a gigantic bulbous head. Just in time Kaz span and managed to block a sharp biting lunge at her face, red staring eyes and gnawing razor teeth stopped just inches away from her. As she brought her other fist into its chest a shot rang out off to the left and the creatures body jerked suddenly to the right, hitting the side of the building and falling still, thick red blood gushing from the side of its head.

Behind the bar Ahdkaw woke, stood up, muttered "Hey Kaz, keep it down could you? I'm not feeling so well" and stumbled out past the body without even noticing it, accompanied by his usual morning retching sounds.