Miscellanea Sensibilium

The OTS Interview - God Vs. Satan

This month we have a bit of a doozer. We have arranged an exclusive interview with not only the Big G, Allah, Alpha, Yahweh, call him what you will (just dont call him in vain); but also his counterpart, old Nick, Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, The One Who Walks Backwards (Big Dick to his friends). We will attempt to tread the fine line between journalistic integrity and outright heresy. Let the discussion begin...

OTS: So, God, Satan, how goes it in your respective domains?

G: Pretty good thanks, bit hectic last night but I think Ive got it under control.

OTS: And you Satan?

S: Well, you know, people sin, people burn. Same old story.

OTS: You sound a bit fed up of it all. Are you?

S: A little I suppose, it gets a bit tedious. It must be, what? Forty, fifty years since someone came up with something truly original.

G: Yes, the war was a good time for us. (smiles warmly at Satan.)

OTS: Why was that then?

S: Well, you know. Like, back then, there was an easy line between good and bad. On the one side you had the allies, protecting the individual freedom and the like, and Hitler, massacring people in their millions. There wasnt any difficulty dishing the souls out.

G: Of course the bombing of Japan fucked things up a bit. Got a bit mixed up there. Even I couldnt say who was right or wrong there. Even if I am omniscient. Or something.

S: Nowadays its all different. Theres no black or white now. I mean look at Bill Clinton. Two thousand years ago that fucker would have been straight down to my place. These days the people have to decide whether he was a bastard or not.

G: And what do they know? If they could run things themselves, we wouldnt be here.

OTS: I see. Bearing in mind that the world is such a crazy, fucked-up place, do you not think that the heaven and hell dichotomy is a bit outdated as a concept?

G: Well, fuck you. I created the goddamn world, its my bloody show.

S: No, hang on here, I think the guy has a point. We arent as useful as we used to be.

G: Speak for yourself. If it wasnt for you then man would still be living in blissful ignorance in Eden. That stunt with the fruit was really low.

S: Yeah, but you put the bloody tree there in the first place. You wanted them to eat the damned fruit so that you could punish them and act the high and mighty father figure for eternity. An analyst would have a field day inside your head.

G: I am a bloody high and mighty father figure! Not just some pissy little imp like you. Oh to think that once you were my finest. I had such hopes for you. I looked on you as a son.

S: That was when you shat on my head was it? All I did was offer a few suggestions to improve things, but oh no, you wouldnt have it would you. Mr Lord of all Creation couldnt handle the thought that something wasnt quite right in his pissing wonderful toy world could he?

OTS: Okay, okay, lets get back to the interview here. So God, what was your actual motivation behind creating the world?

G: You know, it was one of those boring Monday afternoons. It was raining, I was stuck indoors. It was all dark and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Something to while away the lonely millennia.

S: I get back from the god-damned pub, and hed built this bloody World thing. I said it was a bad idea. Itll come to no good I said. But would he listen? Ohhh no! Look at the bloody mess now eh? Should have listened to us Seraphim instead of chucking us down to that pissante little world to sort out the mess he made.

OTS: Right. Anyway, what does an omnipotent deity like to do on his time off?

G: Well...

S: Piss about and watch re-runs of Baywatch

G: I dont get much time off really

S: Yeah right, apart from the last 2000 years. Hes been building a new World...

G: Hang on...

S: Yes, you dont want me to tell them about that do you? You were planning to leave them all in the fucking lurch werent you, you cheapskate old bastard.

G: Right, thats it, Im having you. Outside now you jumped-up minion.

S: Come on then, bring it on, any time you old has-been. I could take you down with one fucking punch.

G: You couldnt the last time.

S: I let you have that one, or else youd have cried. I was being nice. Fucker.

(OTS decided to end the interview here and ran away, before being held responsible for Armageddon as well.)