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What to do if you are abducted by aliens

Sunday, the 27th of February, 2000 at 8:39am

ahdkaw · Comments

Many of us today are forever being hassled and poked around by alien creatures.

As this can sometimes be a harrowing experience, we at the Greys & Others Research Centre have been commissioned by the British Government to compile this handy guide to making your stay a little less uncomfortable and disturbing.

If in a car at the time of abduction, be sure not to leave any valuables behind, turn off your headlamps, and lock all doors.

Always greet your visitors with a big smile - you might be safe.
A lot of the time you will be under experimentation, including anal probes, so it is always wise to spread either KY, Vaseline, or if you're short of money, lard, around the anal area. This will allow the abductors to slip the probe in and out a lot easier, this also makes the experiment less painful - possibly even more pleasurable!
If you are offered sex with an alien entity, there are a few rules to stick to:

If a Grey, refuse flatly, Human/Grey babies are real ugly.
If a White, then do NOT allow oral sex, as their sharp teeth have amputated a few people in the past, although touch-sensitive plastic replacements are available.

If you are unsure to the race of alien about to "make-it" with you then:

Check for unsightly protrusions, especially under the arms.
Ask for the Inter-Species Intercourse Form B19.
Always wear protection - you may have to bring these along with you.
Don't allow intercourse if entity is asexual, with these particular types, a penis won't fit, and a vagina isn't wide enough (unless you're a slapper).
If after the abduction you suffer from flashbacks, always remember NEVER examine them closely - you could be in for a tremendous shock!

We can't stress enough the importance of all of the above guidelines, but if you get your brain infected, it's your fault.

Be Aware! And Be Careful!

This post was last edited on the 9th of August, 2009 at 9:02am

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