The Profane Dog

Westhaven Part 6

In amongst the hustle and bustle of the cacti sales pitch, which happened to pass through the crowd, along a path unkempt by time or memory, the other sellers were performing similar patternistic behaviours, gesticulating wildy, pizza, cabbage, turnips, all manner of tradesman.

Wait, what was that? Cabbages?

The ground trembled, the audience fell to a eerie silence, which was only interrupted by the ground trembling.

Tremble... Rumble... Boom!

Rocks, Cacti and dust exploded outward, spreading cacti love across the entire arena. Penfold stumbled. He looked up, toward the source of the terrible blast, and through the settling dust, and the steady removal of sharp desicive cacti spike things from his person, a figure emerged.

It was ahdkaw strangely enough. He was armed with one of the filthiest, oldest, smelliest and mushiest cabbages the entire arenas spectators had ever seen, smelt, felt.

Spoldge went the noise, as the cabbage struck penfold square in the chin, sending him hurtling backwards in ever-rotating, non-gymnatical way.
He looked to be in quite a state. That smell! Eurgh!

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spinspinspisnspinspi....crack

Penfolds head bounced off the side of the arena nice and solid. He lay still for a long moment before shuffling slowly to his feet. "Well you got me good, care for a victory drink?"

Ahdkaw grinned, it had been too easy "Is that some of your pressed cactus? Don't mind if I do" he said, snatching the bottle and quaffing a goodly portion.

"Er no" explained Penfold, stepping over Ak as he fell to the floor vomitting green golf ball sized lumps of nameless anatomical goo "It's Dr Goodmans Special Tincture of Mouldy Cabbage, famous as the worst tasting thing in the known world. Nice is it? I never did get round to trying it."

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Cough. Splutter. Vision blurring, emergency ejection systems in process. It was a thick bile, huge lumps of the cabbage he'd eaten earlier was billowing wildly in every direction but down. Things were not good.

Soon, the lumps subsided. Later, the liquid began to dry up. Later still he was violently puking air, unable to stop. This was very bad.
With extreme willpower, Ahdkaw reached into his pocket, hand trembling trying to grab at something contained within. Another spasm came and he fell to the floor. He was in a pitiful state.

Penfold studied him carefully, "This looks bad," he said.
Achingly Ahdkaw brought his hand from his pocket, transferring the bottle in his hand to his his drinking hand, just before breaking out in emergengy liquid ejection.

Struggling now, Ahdkaw twisted the cap of this mysterious brew and took a swig.
He stayed on the ground, but seemed to be somehow growing, his breath became calmer.

He slowly rose to his feet and faced Penfold. Sweat ran from his forehead and sick from his chin, but he managed a smile, and said "Good one that man."

Suddenly he transformed into a giant armour-plated 300-ton cabbage, and drove toward Penfold. Penfold laughed and shouted, "You'll never catch me, ha!"
He ran, and the giant cabbage rolled after him.

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Kaz leaned against the doorframe of the pub, watching the comical antics of Penders and Ak. It was nice to see her two old friends back.
WestHaven had been quiet over winter, which had come as a blessing when Mia had discovered she was pregnant. Things had been complicated as it was Mia's first conception. Nobody actually knew if she would have a litter of pups or a couple of kids, nor what complications might present themselves. As it turned out, Mia had carried three pups to full term with no complications. Now, a month on, the pups were just starting to get the hang of the fact that they didn't always have four legs, which was actually a good source of entertainment!

It had also given 'Dora the time and space she needed to finish building the College and rebuild the reputation somewhat of the Arcane Council since it's decimation last year.

Things might be starting to look up! she thought, pushing herself away from the doorframe.

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Kaz then dived back into the doorway again as Penders rushed straight past her, pursued by 300 tons of homicidal cabbage fury. Penders seemed to have developed the bad habit of talking to himself, he was saying "Oh fuckitty fucking fuck fuck fuck" at the moment. He zigged, he zagged, he zigzagged, but still the rolling mouldy doom remained hot upon his posterior. He burst through the cabbage taco stand again, just as Albert the taco guy finished clearing up the mess Ak had made. Roll, scoop, mouldy cabbage leaves, only one thing for it. Run, munch, run, munch, run, munch, rumble, run, munch munch. Penfold felt the fortunate swelling in his abdomen, salvation! He stopped and bent over, releasing a massive yellow cloud of cabbagey fart directly into the robo-cabbage-AK's path.

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Kaz couldn't help it!!, she collapsed into one undefineable heap of giggling hysterics at the antics undertaken by Penfold and Ahdkaw!
It didn't matter how fucked up her head was, Kaz could always count on those two silly-born-c*nts to cheer her up!!!!!!!!!

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Creak. Ahdkaw looked up from his gyroscopical control station, cracks were beginning to appear in the fine-woven mesh of cyber-cabbage strands, a yellow gas began seeping in. Crack! Ahdkaw spun his head around just in time to see a huge crack appear across the inside of the cabbage, seriously threatening the integrity of the entire structure. Ahdkaw knew the dangers of rolling a large cybernetically enhanced robo cabbage with a large hole in it's side. He quickly pulled on the emergency stop-roll cord, squeezed his eyes shut, and hoped for the best.

Kaz looked on, rolling around in the cabbage strewned street, laughing hysterically at the proceedings, obviously unaware of the true danger that she had placed herself in. The cabbage here is universal. All cabbage is connected. She looked toward the rolling gaint cabbage, Penfold was now running in circles, occasionally letting blast with his stenchful breath, whilst the cabbage began to hiss and screech. Sparks began to fly and cracks started appearing across the surface of the cabbage. Such was the power of Penfolds gases.

The cabbage stopped.

Both of them looked on, the cabbage just sat there, slightly smoking.

BBBOOOOO-CCCRRRR--AAAA--CCKK---OOOMMMMMMMM!

Mouldy, sickly cabbage skin exploded outward, but unlike the usual cabbage skin, this super-fine cyber-mesh of cabbage leaves, consisted of much sturdier stuff. A chunk struck Kaz in the thigh, she let a scream of such pain, as the cabbage shard shot straight out of the back and lodged itself in the ground. Blood pumped from the open gash in her leg, and Kaz slumped to the floor, grasping for somewhere to escape this horrific downpour. Penfold barely had time to notice all this before another shard lodged itself in his head, deep into the cranium it went. Penfold looked startled and moved his hand to feel the hole in his head. He fell to the floor instead.

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Kaz managed to crawl her way back to the pub doorway. It was the best protection she was going to get. AK might be an imbecile but he'd never do anything that would endanger beer!!!

She took her belt off so she could try and stem the bleeding from her leg and started to skin up - Purely for medicinal purposes she told herself, and tried to stifle a giggle, failed, and screamed with the bolt of pain coursing through her leg. It was going to take more than mild sedatives to stop this one, AK would pay for this - just as soon as she could stand long enough to chase him down and catch him!!

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Hole in the head again, wrench the bit of cabbage free, scoop the bits of brain out of the dust and tie your belt round your head to keep the skin flap tight round the grey stuff. Just like they do in the films. Sigh.

Penfold picked himself up off the floor and stiffly walked over to a battered black dial phone that was unaccountably placed on an dusty wooden table in a corner of the arena. He spoke a couple of hushed words into the reciever and then headed for "Ye Olde Death Arena Tea Rooms" which had recently been built on the corner.

A black Hudson Terraplane screeched to a halt in the centre of the arena, throwing an arc of dust across AK's body, he opened his eyes for the first time since the cabbage exploded. 4 figures in sharp suits leapt out, 2 to each side, tommy guns simultaneously raised. He closed his eyes again. Thwachathwakathwaka tiny cabbages* sliced into Ak's body, throwing him backwards. More ammo hammered into the side of the death arena, Albert the taco guy, Kaz's other leg (sending her joint flying too) and 15 or 16 other spectators and passer-bys. The tyres screeched again and then silence decended on the arena broken only by the moans of the injured and the tinkle of Penfolds teacup.

*Also known as sprouts.

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As the dust and shredded cabbage leaves settled, a faint outline of someone appeared briefly in the doorway of the plane. Kaz tried to get a better look, but as she did so, the figure vanished.
Curiosity getting the better of her pain, she pushed herself up so she was able to stand. waves of nausia threatened to put her straight back on the ground again but she held firm and gritted her teeth until toothache kicked in.
That's a pain I'm more used to and better equipped to handle! she thought with a faint smile as she searched through her various pockets.
The third search of her pockets saw the discovery of a couple of half-decent painkillers and a flask of Vodka.
A crap do for a chem-warrior!!!!!! she chastised herself.

"Mia!!!" Kaz roared.
The watch-werewolf barmaid appeared at the door instantly.
Four months on, Kaz was still impressed by the efficiency and dedication displayed by Mia and her husband Lycan.
"Mia, I need drink and drugs." she said, "And get hamster-features over here!" she added, nodding towards Penfold. "You'd better bring drink and drugs for him as well! Looks like he'll need them. Get 'Dora too, we'll need her to patch his head and my leg."

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In the stands Kaz's femchem girls watch the sun shining through the holes in Penfolds head. The effect is hypnotic. They begin to sway and chant, anti-cabbage songs. Meanwhile in the arena, bits of cabbage, bone and blood start to draw together. First in small piles then in a large mound. The mound takes human shape. It whirls and bits of cabbage sharp as glass fly out from its head and hands and body. Cabbage claws form into hands and stiffen to steel hooks. The crowd in the arena stands screams as cabbage shrapnel pierces bodies. The femchem girls keep chanting, the shrapnel bouncing off their leathers. Slowing the slaw- man searches for Ak. Seeking to embrace him in cabbage death.

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Whilst Mia ran round finding the drink, drugs and healer as Kaz had instructed, Lycan went to pick up the now-unconcious Penfold. Carefully lifting him, Lycan somehow managed to get a shirt over the gaping hole in Penfolds head and stem most of the bleeding.
Lycan stood up, adjusted his weight, and carried Penfold into the pub.

Kaz had managed to clear enough space on one of the tables, and Lycan laid Penfold down carefully, making sure the shirt holding in the old grey matter didn't shift.

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