The Discordian Manifesto

Accept No Imitations

USE AS TOILET PAPER BEFORE READING

We of the Discordian Movement assert that there is no movement but the Discordian Movement. All other movement is in violation of copyright laws and is ordered to cease and desist immediately. We believe that despite being perfectly real, Eris is also a metaphor through which one may express the apeture of the Discordian Movement. We also Assert that her sister Aneris, also perfectly real, is also another metaphor expressing the banks through which the discordian movement flows. we also grandiosely assert that Emperor Joshua Nortan and Jesus of Nazereth, et al., despite being the offspring of deities were also human beings, through whose examples we may all aspire to be human beings. We deny verbosely that cat food is nutritious; and demand that all vegetarians not eat meat - more for the rest of us - except on thursdays, when they should henceforth be required to eat of hot dogs. We of the Discordian Movement believe that pencils are blasphemous, not to mention potentially booby trapped, and that all pencils be burned or crucified at one's earliest convenience. We assert that all humans beings, excepting cabbages, who according to the latest intelligence, may be masquerading as humans, are members of the Discordian movement - whether they are aware of it or not is inconsequential.

We of the Discordian movement claim solidarity with the food franchises of North America, the corporate machine, the international taxpayers federation, the association of polluting industries, THEM, and unionized workers across the globe; may your deeds speed forth the critical energy quotient and hurry the day when machines rule the world. We support our brothers of the Michigan Militia, the Republican Vanguard, the Democratic Caucus for American Global Domination, All terrorist organizations and regimes, Goddess willing your actions will bring forth righteously a new era wherin children of all ethnic and religious backgrounds may play with grenades in the streets and be judged not by accident of birth but by their ability to dodge bullets. We of the Discordian movement pledge ourselves to bring forth the messages of the Moral Majority, the Greater Apathetic majority, the arnold swarzcheneger for president committee, the give beer a chance activists, the Aneristic Liberation Front, and the church of Kurt cobain died for our sins.

Once upon a time, there was this guy. let's call him Jeb. Jeb's mother asked him to pick up a few things at the local convenience store. She told him, "Now Jeb, I'd like you to pickpick up some eggs, some bacon, a six pack of beer, 3 packs of smokes, two packs of gum, some rolling papers, a guatemalen fruitbat, some tomatoes, lettuce, dead cabbage, precooked chicken, processed cheese, and a package of femine hygiene products. Jeb said sure and went on down to the convenience store. Unfortunately, when he got there, there was a sign claiming there was an extreme shortage of guatemalen fruitbats. Painfully aware that he needed one to fulfill his mother's request (btw her name is Glenda), he began calling everyone he could. He phoned his girlfriend's sister, he called the national security agency, the federal and wildlife commission, the local crimestoppers, he even called in the cavalry. Alas, no one could help poor Jeb, who went home short of a guatemalen fruit bat. His mother was not impressed.

We of the discordian movement recognize the sanctity of Marijuana, and that it is the body of Eris, and when smoked through transjuxtaposition it becomes the breathe of and life of Emperor Joshua Norton. We assert wholly that any cannibas or cannibas product smoked without inhalation is an affront to the sensibilities of good moral people everywhere, and more to the point a waste of a good time. We demand that all law enforcement agencies immediately reimburse discordians everywhere for infringing upon our sacred sacriment.

We of the Discordian Movement Believe that all relationships are equally possible , and that all such vestiges of such relations be recognized as being a person's choice even if one fails to understand the valence of such relations. Thusly we believe that a man and a toad can live happily ever after.

We of the Discordian movement claim unabated solidarity with everyone we missed, who we might be inclined to be solid with. We also henceforth condemn nothing and condone everything. And verily are we both Ancient and Justified. We have been since the loins of the Earth gave birth to the rise of humankind, and so shall we be when anarchist nihilist horde of grossly disfigured fried chicken mutants roam the post armageddon wastelands of our lovely Earth. We find our Justification wherever we might, as if justification were necessary, which it aint, but were it, we would be wholly justified. We of the Discordian Movement heretoforth declare ourselves and our intentions thusly; we shall endeavour to do what we will, will what we do, even if we don't really want to. It is our unequivocal and decidedly holy mission to go forth and do stuff - or not. We shall also endeavour henceforth to join in the search for slack and to pass along such slack freely and without prejudice. Goddess willing our deeds will be fruitful, and bear seed which will spread throught the cosmos verily. plant your seeds