The Land of Thud
EasyPrint: Probably the best way to read it, in the order they were posted.
Thread Listing: The old, confusing way.
EasyPrint Thud
A revolutionary, never before seen, all-in-one Land of Thud, listed by posting date
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Dated - 24-07-2002 14:45:00
Location - The Valley of Cyder
The small engine screamed as the plane rose barley enough to avoid the fruit trees on the hillside.
"Who the fuck put those there?" Jose exclaimed as he struggled with the controls, the engine made an unpleasant coughing sound like a Marlboro smoker on a morning and died.
Fuck, piss and shit, this had not been a good journey. Ever since the sand storm over the desert the plane had been having problems, the near miss in the mountains didn?t help his disposition, who the fuck puts a slide on a fucking mountain. The Bishop had warned that finding the Mayor of Thud would be difficult but he had expected to get there in one piece.
The nose of the plane started to dip as it lost its inertia. Jose desperately looked for a place to land, the hillsides were thick with apple and pear trees tended to by what appeared to be sheep. Heading for the valley bottom the planes altitude dropped faster and faster.
Jose closed his eyes and hoped for the best as the plane crashed to the ground.
After what seemed to be an eternity of darkness Jose slowly regained conciseness, a warm yellow fluid splashed down his cheek. ?What the fuck! Stop pissing on me? he spluttered before realising that the source of the fluid was a huge vat of mead spilling contents from a large wing shaped hole in its side. ?Oh shit someone?s going to be pissed?
"Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking"
Dated - 25-07-2002 00:49:05
Location - The Valley of Cyder
horab sat enjoying the pleasnt view of the rumpian mountains, basking in the glow of the slides' reflections. he sipped at his tea and regarded the nervous man sitting across from him.
ben: so you want me to what?!
horab: i want you to relegalize beef. even though yor'e a sniveling and cowardly politician, im sure what shreds of reblooded maleness is left in you still craves beef, lamb chops, bacon!
ben: but the cows! the sheep! the pigs! they'll eat me a live.
horab: that is the most pleasant thing that will happen to you if you don't legalize non young conservative flesh for consumption.
ben: but, but but...
horab: get on with it son
ben: but i may not even get re-elected!
horab: no need to worry aboput that friend, you will certainly be in office fo at least a while longer, provided nobody eats you.
the perspiration on ex-mayors' ben thuddeds' face went from a steady stream to a waterfall as horab grinnned wider and more menacingly than ever before.
horab: think about these things awhile ok. when you 'decided' to support the cause, just holler out "olly olly oxen free" and my associate will come get you.
ben thudded was about to open his mouth, when suddenly he was in ad ifferent part of the valley of cider altogther. he pushed his head into the river and took a big gulp of cider.
Dated - 25-07-2002 21:27:55
Location - Village of Ping
Horab takes a long drag on the ridiculously large spliff Ahdkaw had just handed him and smiles.
-----
He couldn't believe what had just happened! The sheep believed they had Horab, but that was not the case, they had Ben Thudded! 'Well, who am I to argue?' horab thought. The cows, with their natural connection to nature, had said at one point, "Wait...", looked thoughtful, and then put it down to their recent three-day gruesome sleep-deprivation lessons with Cow-Tse-Tung. They were totally unaware of the mistake. But why?, Horab wondered.
He had travelled a long way in a matter of hours, heading from the Valley of Cyder, East up onto Bolster Moor, that wet and miserable place, not forgetting to get some heather for the old gypsey who had once said to him, "When you're on yer way thru, get us some heather, eh? Eh?! Or I'll curse ye I will..", to which he had responded at the time, "Um.. Okay then." then direct to the anti-grav train station and onto the 02:10 Express to Thud Central. Horab flashed his "Don't Charge Me" card at the ticket inspector and grinned.
A little under half an hour later, Horab disembarked at the City centre and headed north, up Temple Drive, past the Flame Turning Guild for Pigs, The Guild Witchs & Herbalists (stopping only to deliver the heather), and The United Guilds of Scroungers, Blaggers and Layabouts, who were hanging around the building doing nothing as usual, a few were begging in the streets, others blagging them for a cup of tea, but Horab rushed on. The Frisbeetarian Temple Gardens seemed to go by in a blur. Too busy thinking.
Eventually Horab passed the outskirts of the city and followed the River Thud northwards, until he got to the Great Arching Turn To The East of the River Thud, and he continued north through Darker Woods, and into the Village of Ping.
---
Ping Pong - The Sporting Bar!
"At last!" Ahdkaw exclaimed, "What have you been up to?"
Horab grinned, "They got Ben, they think he's me"
Ahdkaw smiled, and passed a fat doobie, "Oh well, never mind. Did you get a good look around?"
"Don't you worry about that, I know what they're capable of"
"Alrighty then," Ahdkaw clapped his hands and stood up, "Send the information on to Central HQ for Freedom To Eat Beef In Thud, everything at this end is coming together nicely thank you."
"Nice to hear"
"We must go our seperate ways, my friend," Ahdkaw fumbled in his pocket, "we cannot remain together between posts. As you know, the walls have ears in this place."
"Yep." Horab agreed.
---
Ahdkaw pressed the little red button. And they were gone.
Ahdkaw
"It is wise to be confused."
Sam, from 'Quincy'
Dated - 27-07-2002 01:50:47
Location - The Valley of Cyder
bill gates felt mostly scared. that is too say he also felt very nervous and very confused. just moments before he had been watering his panzees. he now stood inside a glass cage, surrounded by farm animals. they seemed to talk at him oddly, demanding to know his plea. bill looked at all the angry animals. to be quite honest bill didn't know why they where asking such a question, but knew his lawyers could take care of it.
'not guilty'
a great laughter roase up through the crowd, which was quieted by the cow who appeared to be acting as a judge.
cow tse-sung: you're not horab!(he could tell right away by the geeky voice).
bill gates: who's horab?
cow tse-sung: who are you?!
bill gates: im bill gates!
all was quiet suddenly. bill looked around at the farm animals. he had never seen a food, he thought, that looked at him so hungrily.
Dated - 06-08-2002 00:03:33
Location - Thud Post Office
The recently installed security doors of the Post Office slide open with a pleasing 'swish swish' noise recognisable to all Star Trek viewers.
A tall becloaked figure strides in, proud of stance and elegant in bearing, sweeping back his cloak as he enters and bringing his gaze to bear upon the minions that scuttle to and fro performing their postal duties. The effect is spoiled somewhat as the dark one trips and lands in a an ungainly heap on the shiny titanium floor.
'Mind the step!' shouts a postal minion.
'Humph' growls the Goth, for it is such a one. 'Perhaps a sign may be in order for a death trap such as that'.
'Wouldn't be much of a security feature then would it?' responds the minion, in the haughty tone of all postal minions everywhere when confronted with any kind of query or complaint.'Gives is a chance to press the alert button and hide'.
The gothic one picks himself up and dusts off his cloak, pointlessly as the floor is coated with an anti-dust resin which not only repels dust, but stops the titanium floor clanking quite so badly.
'I am Legion' he announces to the room.
'Are you in the right place?' asks the minion, who deserves a name at this point, having developed his cameo into a full-on speaking role and a pseudo-character. Jeffery is a suitable name for a postal worker, so Jeffery shall be his name.
'Are you in the right place' asks Jeffery again, with renewed confidence now that his hourly rate had just gone up considerably.
'This is a Post Office, not some kind of biblical studies group'
'Wanker' muttered Legion, then louder,'I am indeed. I have come to post a public announcement. Do you have an allocated space for such an item or shall I as they say, slap it anywhere?'
'Well now, 'said Jeffery 'you see that wall over there with all the notices on it with the big sign over them that reads 'Public Notices''
Legion followed the pointed finger of Jeffery and did indeed see the wall.
'I see it. My apologies, I appear to having difficulty with my vision today'
With that Legion strode over to the wall, somewhat less impressively this time, looking out as he was for concealed deadfalls and pits.
Briefly reading notices about procedures to follow upon finding rogue Chegwins still lurking in the city, Legion proceeded to tack up the notice he produced from his voluminous cloak. It was a fine looking notice, all pseudo-parchment-like and printed in a bold script font, somewhat Germanic in style. It read thusly:
-------------------
Guild of Goths and Solipsists
A newly formed Guild to bring together the disparate population of goths, solipsists, and assorted other miserable bastards and to further our aims within the City of Thud. The charter of the Guild is to petition the Council on behalf of members interests, particularly to bring about the end of discrimination, anti-goth apartheid, black clothes bans in certain drinking establishments and to hold regular poetry reading sessions.
Membership fee is One Moist Towelette per year. Guild headquearters are located in the Industrial Sector, two doors down from the Donkey Capers TM Factory.
-------------------
His job done, Legion swished out of the Post Office, casting a suspicuous glance at the floor on his way out, and working on a new curse to render all postal workers bald.
"random clever comment/quote to make people think I'm cool"
Dated - 06-08-2002 13:09:27
Location - Ye Olde Suburb of DOOM
DING-A-LING-LONG BONG-A-WONG-BING-DONG!!!
Ahdkaw smiled, "What a pleasant doorbell", he thought as he stood on the doorstep to Horabs mansion. A spyhole opened in the centre of the left door of the huge wooden double doors, a small eye appeared beyond it.
"Ah, tis thee sire," Nub closed the spyhole and opened the door, "I've been waiting for you"
Ahdkaw looked down at the squirrel, "Where is your master?"
"I don't know," Nub looked tired, "I'm not to know his whereabouts, it's not my job"
"Well, fair enough," Ahdkaw said and strolled in to the brightly lit hallway, "I assume you got that message then?"
Nub rubbed his chin, "I assume you mean the message you sent nearly a month back?"
Ahdkaw nodded in assent.
"We had a few problems at the beginning," Nub led Ahdkaw towards the service elevator, pausing only to offer Ahdkaw a drink from the minibar in the hall.
Ahdkaw gladly accepted the drink, and took a few chugs.
"A lot of the turnips had gone mouldy and couldn't be used", Nub pointed to the button at the side of the elevator, "Press that will you?"
"Sure thing," Ahdkaw pressed the elevator call button, "So what did you do?"
"Well, we found some that were okay."
"And the information was retrieved successfully?"
"Some of it," Nub looked around as if expecting someone to hear, "but we managed to get a hold of some rogue Chegwins, and extracted the rest of the information from them"
"Huh", Ahdkaw wasn't surprised, "So the Chegwins were some use at least"
The elevator doors opened and Nub motioned Ahdkaw to enter and followed him in. Ahdkaw pressed the button clearly labelled '58' as directed by Nub.
The elevator doors closed and then Ahdkaw could feel a definite downward motion, fast.
Nub turned to Ahdkaw, "My master mentioned you were getting Darker Woods around the Village of Ping prepared, any luck with that?"
"Yes, I have had an large area fenced off, so to speak," Ahdkaw replied.
"Good good," Nub rubbed his paws together.
The elevator stopped then, and the door slid open revealing...
Ahdkaw couldn't believe his eyes, rows upon rows of pens stretched into the distance of the huge complex, to the left of the elevator placed against the wall was the greatest feast any man or speaking animal had ever seen, there were huge gammon steaks garnished with fried eggs and pineapple slices, beef joints gently steaming in huge pots of gravy,, lamb chops with whole sprigs of mint rested upon them, a feast fit for a queen!
"Try a bit if you like," Nub gestured.
Ahdkaw wandered over to the table drooling over the stupendous amont of meat and grabbed himself a leg of lamb, he unashamedly gorged himself on it and turned to Nub, "This is gorgeous!" Ahdkaw exclaimed.
"I know," replied Nub, "Come. This way," he headed out towards the first of the pens.
Ahdkaw followed, leg of lamb in hand (and mouth), and looked over the first group of specimens, "Hello cows!" Ahdkaw experimented.
"Moooo" replied the cows, "Told you," Nub looked satisfied.
"I'll arrange for transportation to Darker Woods" Ahdkaw turned on his heel and headed back toward the elevator.
"Don't be too long," Nub shouted after him, "It's beginning to smell down here!"
Ahdkaw looked back over his shoulder and smiled at Nub, "I won't."
Ahdkaw
"It is wise to be confused."
Sam, from 'Quincy'
Dated - 09-08-2002 16:33:53
Location - Village of Ping
Due to the necessity of fleshing the place out a bit, as well as continue the oh-so-interesting storyline he has going, Ahdkaw returns to The Village of Ping.
He enters the scene from stage-left, picking his way through the underbrush of Darker Woods, he bursts from a particularly over-active sticky-bud plant, and heads to the village centre.
The Village of Ping is refuge to the older residents of Thud, who remember the days when men were men and meat was real meat, not this reconstituted young-conservative meat that seemed to be all the rage in the city with the young folks. So it was here that the revolution began.
On the fateful day that Ahdkaw and Horab had arrived in the village, the elders had been very low key, they had sat in a corner of The Sporting Bar wearing their regulation white and green table-tennis uniforms, listening intently to the hushed conversation of Horab and Ahdkaw. Toward the end of the conversation Ahdkaw had looked around the bar shiftily, his eyes resting upon the village chief, Tombadil Reedle, who ever-so-slightly nodded at Ahdkaw. Then the two highly-decorated warriors of Thud had simply vanished.
Tombadil was now sat on the edge of the centre-piece well that was located, oddly enough, slap bang in the middle of the village. Tombadil was a man of squat figure and had hairy feet, he still wore shoes but his uncontrollable mass of matted foot hair protruded through them. His face was that of a man who had endured much and said little, but the truth was in fact the actual opposite. He slowly struggled to his feet as saw Ahdkaw approach.
"Bloody sticky-buds"
"I've told you before, Ahdkaw", Tombadil spake, "use the road to get here."
"Not exactly an exciting route to take tho' eh?" Ahdkaw replied, "Our readers need a bit more excitement than just, 'Ahdkaw walked into the village by road'"
"Yes," Tombadil sighed, "I suppose you're right."
Ahdkaw walked up to Tombadil who was a good two feet smaller, and leaned past him to take a drink from bucket that had just been brought up the well by a pretty young girl by the name of Florence Reedle, Tombadils grand-daughter. She giggled for no reason and skipped away.
"The rest of the Elders are waiting your arrival in the Village Hall," Tombadil headed towards a large opaque building where the Elders could be clearly seen within sat on orange plastic chairs, watching Ahdkaw as he followed Tombadil, picking sticky-buds from his clothes as he walked.
Ahdkaw and Tombadil entered the village hall, and took to the stage where a podium, projector and chalkboard had already been set up.
"WE WANT MEAT! WE WANT MEAT!" The elders chanted in unison.
Tombadil held up his hand for silence, and the elders acquiesced.
"We all know why he's here," Tombadil addressed the elders, "so let's all remain calm, and listen to what he has to say."
Ahdkaw took to the podium, and leafed through the speech that had been prepared for him.
"Elders of the Village of Ping," Ahdkaw started, "I'm happy to be joining you in this wonderful village, and I hope this will be start of a very special relationship between us..."
"Get on with it!" someone from the back shouted.
"Okay," Ahdkaw put down the specially prepared speech, and leaned forward onto the podium, "let's get one thing straight here. I'm trying to get this meat to you all, it's all ready for transportation from Horabs complex, and none of the animals can speak, so I cannot see any way that this can be seen as an act of war by Cow-Tse-Tung and his cohorts. I believe we can all co-exist PEACEFULLY as long as we stick with our genetically manufactured animals."
"But!" Ahdkaw raised an index finger to the sky, "I need some help transporting them. That will be your job people," the elders grumbled at that, "as long as everything is ready in Darker Woods, I don't see any problems. Is everything ready Tombadil?"
"Yes."
"Good. Sort out the transportation, get them over here, and then let me know."
Ahdkaw stepped away from the podium and turned to Tombadil, "You think you can do that?"
"Shouldn't be too much trouble."
"Good, then get to it. I'll return here soon to see how things are coming along."
And with that Ahdkaw turned on his heel and left.
Ahdkaw
"It is wise to be confused."
Sam, from 'Quincy'
Dated - 09-08-2002 18:40:50
Location - City Hall
Arizu returned to the city of Thud with her shopping bags to be greeted by some thuddians, some sheep (they were all quite fond of Arizu after that incident at the abbatoir) and a handfull of news reporters. There was singing and ballons and lots of biodegradable propaganda. Arizu stood on a podium and addresed her followers.
"Dear Thuddians...i see youve elected me mayor. Thanks, im sure we'll all benefit from this wise, wise move. I pledge to secure the city from more attacks as the terrible indignities we suffered at the hands, tentacles and spam of the chegwins. As for the goths, ill do with them whatever you want me to with them. You want them out, theyre out. You want em brainwashed, theyre brainwashed. You feel like their moppy melancolia is cool, then theyre cool. Expect to be polled on the matter in the near future. And remeber to buy conservative strips!"
With that she skipped of the podium, handed her shopping bags to a snivelling assistant, kneed an impertinent reporter in the balls (had she been away on a filthy meat eating weekend!?) and walked back into city hall.
Another snivelling assistant handed her a fat folder of latest news which she skimmed through. After a few minutes she called the least snivelling assistant into her office .
"Yes ma'am?"
"It says here that the ninja sheep, grabbed horab for conspiring to bring real beef back into thud, except it wasnt horab it was bill gates, except it wasnt bill gates it was ben thudded, except it easnt ben thudded it was elvis. Now, i want to know who the cow has and what he plans on doing with ém."
"Yes ma'am."
"So what are you going to do?"
"Ummmm"
"Sigh. Just bring me cow tse tung already."
"Yes má'am."
"And dont call me ma'am."
"Yes ma'am."
Arizu sighed loudly and considered using the twit as sword practice. Instead she fed runt some conservative strips and asked another assistant to ask lyric to come round.
Lie on the couch, surrender all your secrets and be saved. Ka ching!
Dated - 11-08-2002 22:35:07
Location - Village of Ping
bill started rambling off details of things he had seen while in the company of the talking cattle. bill didn't know why he was doing this, but continued anyways. nobody was surprised by any of this either, as biil had been altered to be their agent. what surprised horab however, was the note. for indeed, he had created much of the animals' ancestors with the ability to talk, for the most part to keep himself company while he ran the arena of death. he had sold the happy farm along with much of thud to some media conglomerates that he owned through another company.
'well, monopolies are never good' horab said, 'even if you own everything anyway'
'plan a.3 then?' said ahdkaw.]
'yep'.
ahdkaw began making the treachourous journey back to thud, while horab headed towards the rumpian mountians.
if you don't like it, go to russia
Dated - 11-08-2002 22:49:05
Location - The shores of Thud
horab walked along the shoreline smoking a spliff. he took in the lovely sunset as he took enormous hauls from the doobie. he couldn't guess how long he had been walking, only that it had been a very long way. he had met several gangs of sheep and cows, but they had offered little danger when attacking him and he dispatched them all quickly. horab toked deeply on the joint. suddenly a dune buggy driven by the inebriated zebra pulled up beside him. need a ride asked the inebriated zebra, sure answred horab. horab got in the car and they sped of towards the spitless desert...
if you don't like it, go to russia
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