The Land of Thud
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EasyPrint Thud
A revolutionary, never before seen, all-in-one Land of Thud, listed by posting date
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Dated - 15-08-2001 13:30:35
Location - Death Arena
As the sun rises, it throws light upon the newly built Death Arena, a huge multi-seated stadium surrounding a fifty foot radius dust-filled bowl. All is quiet.
Ahdkaw strolls into the centre of the arena kicking up dust in his wake. Looking very bedraggled in his mucky T-shirt proclaiming "Drink Is My Friend!", and 15 year old jeans. He carries with him a large porcelain flask of alcohol.
Stopping in the centre and almost falling over, Ahdkaw raises his arms to the sky, and calls out in a deep booming voice:
"Dare anyone challenge me to a battle to the death?"
Dated - 16-08-2001 23:57:16
Location - Death Arena
Of course, this recent developent upset Matneee somewhat, coz he'd chosen the Death Pit as a relatively quiet place to pass the Summer. Sleeping. Out of the sun as much as possible. But, as he was awoken by some numbty drinking beer out of what I can only assume was a toilet (well, porcelain at any rate), he felt charged to say "Eh,sorry what? Oh, It's you. You shall be taken not to the death, but to the pain for that..." He thus leveled a devestating kick at Ahdkaws quantum bollox. Apparently he'd tried to start a new thread between them recently as well...
Dated - 17-08-2001 07:07:41
Location - Death Arena
Does that T-Shirt Sport the Letters "T.A.B.S" on it? If So I won't be able to raise my body from the dusty floor for obvious reasons.
Dated - 17-08-2001 13:34:02
Location - Death Arena
Standing in the centre, Ahdkaw spots some dust moving at the edge of the arena, only to see Matneee emerging rubbing his eyes after what seemed a long sleep. He looks towards Ahdkaw mumbling something about death and pain. Matneee rushes up to Ahdkaw in what could only be called lightning fast, and swings his leg up to try and catch Ahdkaw in his quantum balls.
Ahdkaw sidesteps before contact is made, and catches Matneee's leg. He steps forward, leaning into Matneee, a cry of pain echoes forth from Matneee's throat as a loud "Snap!" is heard. Ahdkaw lets go and Matneee falls to the ground writhing in pain.
Ahdkaw: Ha! You think you can *HIC*, excuse me, flatten me with your pathetic attempt at dislodging my Quantum Bollocks? I will show you the meaning of death!
Matneee: Nooooooooooooo!
Ahdkaw: Oh yes!
Ahdkaw swings with his porcelain toilet alcohol vessel making contact with the back of Matneee's head. Matneee loses consciousness as blood and grey gunk spills from his head, making the first wonderful pattern on the arena floor.
Ahdkaw: Who's next? Zippy? Are you challenging me?
Dated - 17-08-2001 16:09:37
Location - Death Arena
Oi! Ahdkaw! Giz' a drink! Kaz.
Dated - 17-08-2001 17:02:53
Location - Death Arena
Ahdkaw looks around and notices a rather scruffy-looking female alco-warrior enter the arena, she calls out for free alcohol, and at first Ahdkaws eyes glow red with anger and hatred, suffering under a haze of alcohol and blood-lust, but as she comes closer he calms recognising his old drinking buddy.
He looks down to his shattered toilet vessel lying amongst the blood and brains of Matneee.
Ahdkaw: Erm, I seem to have lost my alcohol while *HIC* killing this poor wastoid.
Ahdkaw calls for his man-servant, Gregory, who rushes up carrying 2 ice-cold bottles of beer. Passing them to Ahdkaw, he disappears as quickly as he appeared into the bowels of the arena.
Ahdkaw: Come Kaz, let us celebrate the death of our first victim in this 'ere Death Arena!
Ahdkaw passes a beer to Kaz, and they celebrate together, all the time kicking Matneees body back to the edge of the arena.
Ahdkaw: Go back to sleep Matneee, it's where you belong!
Kaz: Yes, and return not to this place until you have the appropriate training.
The crowds cheer:
Ahdkaw! Ahdkaw! Kill! Kill! More blood! We want more blood!
Dated - 17-08-2001 23:17:03
Location - Death Arena
Matneee opened his eyes. Now the moment was ripe - Ahdkaw had fallen for the less than subtle ruse. The prosthetic head padding had worked! But more than that, the pitifully small bribe he'd payed Ak's manservant Gregory off with will finally bear fruit! An old and simple alternative to life - Hemlock in the beer began to take effect. Ahdkaw fell to the ground writhing in agony, his eyballs now crazed with exploding blood vessels. He shot a pleading look at Kaz, but realised too late that he was beyond help. Clutching his throat, he watched in mortal terror as Matneee produced an hitherto unseen scythe, and aproached with mayhem in his eyes and AK's neck in mind...
Dated - 18-08-2001 09:31:22
Location - Death Arena
Gregory stood at the edge of the arena watching the proceedings, he been a long-standing aide to Ahdkaw and over the years he had had to deal with the most unsavoury types. He knew only too well that Ahdkaws standing not only brought him lots of friends but also cursed him with a good few mortal enemies. He was therefare not in the least bit surprised earlier that day when Matneee had approached him and offered him a pitifully small bribe to poison his masters beer. He agreed of course, he always did like trap-within-a-trap games.
After Matneee had left, satisfied of a job well done, Gregory turned on his heels and rushed to The Drunken Balrog Inn to tell his master the news. Not surprisingly, he found Ahdkaw slumped over a table in a dark corner mumbling something about 5-card-poker and the cost of public transport these days. Gregory took Ahdkaw outside and brought him round with a cooling splash of water.
Ahdkaw: Yow! Fu.. Fu.. Bloody hell! What was that about? It'd better be good.
Gregory: I'm sorry to disturb you sir, but I was approached earlier today by Matneee, attempting to bribe me into putting Hemlock into your beer.
Ahdkaw: Right that's it, he's gonna play dirty is he? Well, two can play at that game. Saying that, I don't imagine he'll still be alive once I have fought him.
..............
The arena crowd goes silent as they watch their hero and Kaz grasping their throats and writhing around on the floor. Ahdkaw stares at Matneee, trying to be as convincing as possible. Matneee approaches, unsheathing his Scythe, and scraping away the left over bits of prosthetic head padding still dangling from his hair.
Ahdkaw: (thinking to himself) Prosthetic head padding eh? Clever. But not clever enough.
Ahdkaw looks toward Kaz still writhing on the floor, and gives her the signal. Within moments Ahdkaw and Kaz are back up on their feet. Ahdkaw suddenly lets fly a barrage of knives at Matneee. Baffled and amazed by their sudden and seemingly impossible recovery, Matneee reacts too slow as one dagger slams into his chest. He looks up, horrified, as two more daggers go thunking into his belly. Blood spills from his stomach and chest, he coughs, and a spittle of blood sprays across Ahdkaws face.
Within moments, Matneee falls to the ground with a flump, as two arrows are losed and penetrate his skull. In his last dying moments he looks up for the source of the arrows, and sees only Kaz with a broad grin holding a smoking crossbow.
The crowds cheer!
Dated - 18-08-2001 11:13:47
Location - Death Arena
Now who dares to throw down a challenge of battle?
'Oh, and Ahdkaw, please remember -you drunken fool- I prefer chem-warrior, NOT alco-warrior!'
Kaz, Ahdkaw and Gregory stumble off into the morning, looking for strong coffee and a splif.
About 20 mins later Kaz comes tearing back into the Arena.
'Ahdkaw you twat!' she yelled - to nobody in general. 'You lousy fuckin' twat! You just couldn't help yourself could you!'
In frustrated rage Kaz turned, slowly surveying all of the Arena. She saw Zippy scurrying out of the stadium and growled in disgust. She paced the Arena floor for a few minutes, got bored and found a patch of shade that offered an excellent veiw of the only way into the arena and settled down to wait.
She sat and smoked and drank, then smoked some more.
Dated - 18-08-2001 13:42:12
Location - Death Arena
High above the Death Arena, Ahdkaw looks at the sorry mess below. Having heard the inane shouting coming from Kaz far below, seen her walk around the Arena like some hysterical hyena, and finally watched her slump down to partake in her filthy chemi-warrior habits, he felt something must be done.
Ahdkaw: (thinking) Well, there's bloody appreciation for you! What the hell have I done now? Right, I'm gonna have to sort this out.
Ahdkaw flicks the jetpacks' switch with his thumb, and heads on down to the Arena. He lands on top of the Arena gate, only just regaining his balance after a sudden dizzy spell.
Ahdkaw: Get off your lazy bum! What the hell are you talking about? Are you challenging <b>me</b> to a battle?
Ahdkaw: (to crowd) Do you all think I should kill her?
Crowd: Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!
Ahdkaw: (to crowd) But she's my old drinking buddy!
Crowd: Oh...
Ahdkaw: (to crowd) So...?
Crowd: Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!
Ahdkaw wipes the blood of his previous battle from his face, and removes his jet pack, placing it at his feet on the top of the gateway. Without so much as a flinch, Ahdkaw drops to the Arena floor, rolls, and is up on his feet in one swift movement.
Ahdkaw: (to Kaz) Your move.
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