The Land of Thud
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Death Arena
Started on 15-08-2001 13:30:35 GMT
As the sun rises, it throws light upon the newly built Death Arena, a huge multi-seated stadium surrounding a fifty foot radius dust-filled bowl. All is quiet.
Ahdkaw strolls into the centre of the arena kicking up dust in his wake. Looking very bedraggled in his mucky T-shirt proclaiming "Drink Is My Friend!", and 15 year old jeans. He carries with him a large porcelain flask of alcohol.
Stopping in the centre and almost falling over, Ahdkaw raises his arms to the sky, and calls out in a deep booming voice:
"Dare anyone challenge me to a battle to the death?"
Reply on 16/08/2001 23:57:16
Of course, this recent developent upset Matneee somewhat, coz he'd chosen the Death Pit as a relatively quiet place to pass the Summer. Sleeping. Out of the sun as much as possible. But, as he was awoken by some numbty drinking beer out of what I can only assume was a toilet (well, porcelain at any rate), he felt charged to say "Eh,sorry what? Oh, It's you. You shall be taken not to the death, but to the pain for that..." He thus leveled a devestating kick at Ahdkaws quantum bollox. Apparently he'd tried to start a new thread between them recently as well...
Reply on 17/08/2001 07:07:41
Does that T-Shirt Sport the Letters "T.A.B.S" on it? If So I won't be able to raise my body from the dusty floor for obvious reasons.
Reply on 17/08/2001 13:34:02
Standing in the centre, Ahdkaw spots some dust moving at the edge of the arena, only to see Matneee emerging rubbing his eyes after what seemed a long sleep. He looks towards Ahdkaw mumbling something about death and pain. Matneee rushes up to Ahdkaw in what could only be called lightning fast, and swings his leg up to try and catch Ahdkaw in his quantum balls.
Ahdkaw sidesteps before contact is made, and catches Matneee's leg. He steps forward, leaning into Matneee, a cry of pain echoes forth from Matneee's throat as a loud "Snap!" is heard. Ahdkaw lets go and Matneee falls to the ground writhing in pain.
Ahdkaw: Ha! You think you can *HIC*, excuse me, flatten me with your pathetic attempt at dislodging my Quantum Bollocks? I will show you the meaning of death!
Matneee: Nooooooooooooo!
Ahdkaw: Oh yes!
Ahdkaw swings with his porcelain toilet alcohol vessel making contact with the back of Matneee's head. Matneee loses consciousness as blood and grey gunk spills from his head, making the first wonderful pattern on the arena floor.
Ahdkaw: Who's next? Zippy? Are you challenging me?
Reply on 17/08/2001 16:09:37
Oi! Ahdkaw! Giz' a drink! Kaz.
Reply on 17/08/2001 17:02:53
Ahdkaw looks around and notices a rather scruffy-looking female alco-warrior enter the arena, she calls out for free alcohol, and at first Ahdkaws eyes glow red with anger and hatred, suffering under a haze of alcohol and blood-lust, but as she comes closer he calms recognising his old drinking buddy.
He looks down to his shattered toilet vessel lying amongst the blood and brains of Matneee.
Ahdkaw: Erm, I seem to have lost my alcohol while *HIC* killing this poor wastoid.
Ahdkaw calls for his man-servant, Gregory, who rushes up carrying 2 ice-cold bottles of beer. Passing them to Ahdkaw, he disappears as quickly as he appeared into the bowels of the arena.
Ahdkaw: Come Kaz, let us celebrate the death of our first victim in this 'ere Death Arena!
Ahdkaw passes a beer to Kaz, and they celebrate together, all the time kicking Matneees body back to the edge of the arena.
Ahdkaw: Go back to sleep Matneee, it's where you belong!
Kaz: Yes, and return not to this place until you have the appropriate training.
The crowds cheer:
Ahdkaw! Ahdkaw! Kill! Kill! More blood! We want more blood!
Reply on 17/08/2001 23:17:03
Matneee opened his eyes. Now the moment was ripe - Ahdkaw had fallen for the less than subtle ruse. The prosthetic head padding had worked! But more than that, the pitifully small bribe he'd payed Ak's manservant Gregory off with will finally bear fruit! An old and simple alternative to life - Hemlock in the beer began to take effect. Ahdkaw fell to the ground writhing in agony, his eyballs now crazed with exploding blood vessels. He shot a pleading look at Kaz, but realised too late that he was beyond help. Clutching his throat, he watched in mortal terror as Matneee produced an hitherto unseen scythe, and aproached with mayhem in his eyes and AK's neck in mind...
Reply on 18/08/2001 09:31:22
Gregory stood at the edge of the arena watching the proceedings, he been a long-standing aide to Ahdkaw and over the years he had had to deal with the most unsavoury types. He knew only too well that Ahdkaws standing not only brought him lots of friends but also cursed him with a good few mortal enemies. He was therefare not in the least bit surprised earlier that day when Matneee had approached him and offered him a pitifully small bribe to poison his masters beer. He agreed of course, he always did like trap-within-a-trap games.
After Matneee had left, satisfied of a job well done, Gregory turned on his heels and rushed to The Drunken Balrog Inn to tell his master the news. Not surprisingly, he found Ahdkaw slumped over a table in a dark corner mumbling something about 5-card-poker and the cost of public transport these days. Gregory took Ahdkaw outside and brought him round with a cooling splash of water.
Ahdkaw: Yow! Fu.. Fu.. Bloody hell! What was that about? It'd better be good.
Gregory: I'm sorry to disturb you sir, but I was approached earlier today by Matneee, attempting to bribe me into putting Hemlock into your beer.
Ahdkaw: Right that's it, he's gonna play dirty is he? Well, two can play at that game. Saying that, I don't imagine he'll still be alive once I have fought him.
..............
The arena crowd goes silent as they watch their hero and Kaz grasping their throats and writhing around on the floor. Ahdkaw stares at Matneee, trying to be as convincing as possible. Matneee approaches, unsheathing his Scythe, and scraping away the left over bits of prosthetic head padding still dangling from his hair.
Ahdkaw: (thinking to himself) Prosthetic head padding eh? Clever. But not clever enough.
Ahdkaw looks toward Kaz still writhing on the floor, and gives her the signal. Within moments Ahdkaw and Kaz are back up on their feet. Ahdkaw suddenly lets fly a barrage of knives at Matneee. Baffled and amazed by their sudden and seemingly impossible recovery, Matneee reacts too slow as one dagger slams into his chest. He looks up, horrified, as two more daggers go thunking into his belly. Blood spills from his stomach and chest, he coughs, and a spittle of blood sprays across Ahdkaws face.
Within moments, Matneee falls to the ground with a flump, as two arrows are losed and penetrate his skull. In his last dying moments he looks up for the source of the arrows, and sees only Kaz with a broad grin holding a smoking crossbow.
The crowds cheer!
Reply on 18/08/2001 11:13:47
Now who dares to throw down a challenge of battle?
'Oh, and Ahdkaw, please remember -you drunken fool- I prefer chem-warrior, NOT alco-warrior!'
Kaz, Ahdkaw and Gregory stumble off into the morning, looking for strong coffee and a splif.
About 20 mins later Kaz comes tearing back into the Arena.
'Ahdkaw you twat!' she yelled - to nobody in general. 'You lousy fuckin' twat! You just couldn't help yourself could you!'
In frustrated rage Kaz turned, slowly surveying all of the Arena. She saw Zippy scurrying out of the stadium and growled in disgust. She paced the Arena floor for a few minutes, got bored and found a patch of shade that offered an excellent veiw of the only way into the arena and settled down to wait.
She sat and smoked and drank, then smoked some more.
Reply on 18/08/2001 13:42:12
High above the Death Arena, Ahdkaw looks at the sorry mess below. Having heard the inane shouting coming from Kaz far below, seen her walk around the Arena like some hysterical hyena, and finally watched her slump down to partake in her filthy chemi-warrior habits, he felt something must be done.
Ahdkaw: (thinking) Well, there's bloody appreciation for you! What the hell have I done now? Right, I'm gonna have to sort this out.
Ahdkaw flicks the jetpacks' switch with his thumb, and heads on down to the Arena. He lands on top of the Arena gate, only just regaining his balance after a sudden dizzy spell.
Ahdkaw: Get off your lazy bum! What the hell are you talking about? Are you challenging <b>me</b> to a battle?
Ahdkaw: (to crowd) Do you all think I should kill her?
Crowd: Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!
Ahdkaw: (to crowd) But she's my old drinking buddy!
Crowd: Oh...
Ahdkaw: (to crowd) So...?
Crowd: Kill her! Kill her! Kill her!
Ahdkaw wipes the blood of his previous battle from his face, and removes his jet pack, placing it at his feet on the top of the gateway. Without so much as a flinch, Ahdkaw drops to the Arena floor, rolls, and is up on his feet in one swift movement.
Ahdkaw: (to Kaz) Your move.
Reply on 18/08/2001 15:10:00
Kaz looks up, shielding her eyes from the sun.
'I don't want to fight you, you dozy bastard. You walked off with my dope again.' she snorted. 'Bollocks, I've stuck my Rizlas wrong!'
Sudden realisation hit Kaz ' 'Ere, where the hell did the crowd come from? This place was empty when I fell asleep!'
Reply on 18/08/2001 15:23:46
Oh yes, I'm sorry, I had to do that. It was very nice too!
The crowd have been here all the time!
Kaz: Oh no they haven't!
Crowd: Oh yes we have!
Kaz: Oh no they haven't!
Crowd: Oh yes we...
Ahdkaw: Oh for gods sake, stop that at once you lot!
Ahdkaw wanders into the crowd and sits down, awaiting the next challenger to enter the Arena.
Reply on 18/08/2001 15:47:01
'Well don't skin up or owt then, will you.' Kaz grumbles under her breath.
Jumping up, she brushes some of the dust off her clothes and announces to anyone listening 'Right, bugger it! I'm off to the pub. Ahdkaw, you coming?
Reply on 19/08/2001 10:13:50
Ahdkaw would like to remind everybody that this place is for battles to the death, if you are not here to fight then please leave the arena floor, and watch from the surrounding-stands. Announcement over. Thank you.
Reply on 19/08/2001 13:52:11
Back on the pale, reality side of the screen, Matneee perused the previous events with growing interest and confusion.
Clearly, there had been the hand of an imposter at work - all the evidence was there plain to see for all. Having hair to pluck strands of anything from was a dead giveaway for a start, having sported a more streamlined look for many, many years, and the death was not fitting for one who had long ago prophecised he would die in a bizzare hoovering accident. And as for poisoning anything alcoholic, well, did you really think I'd stoop to such lowly blasphemy? This fool had deserved to die. Obviously, the balance would have to be redressed.
Without a second thought he jacked into his terminal. Within a matter of minutes, his keen intellect remembered that this wasn't a trashy Cyberpunk novel and feeling slightly foolish, he removed the ISDN plug from where he'd inserted it deep into his left nostril. He continued to type...
A shadow flickered fitfully against the blazing sun, tearing across the landscape, low to the ground with the heavy downdraft raising a trail of dust in it's wake. The assault chopper banked sharply, evidently heading for the squat, dark shape of the arena with it's squat dark inhabitants within. Gaining hight to clear the walls, the 'copter hovered mid-stadium, the dull thrumming of the rotors beating at the ears of the assembled throng. A rope descended and a figure rapelled down, the whole effect and drama only slightly ruined by the brief yet plaintive cry he bore as he remembered all too late that he was scared of hights.
Matneee viewed the arena exulting in the tumultuous roar of the crowd, as he stood squarely in the center resplendent in his armoured trenchcoat. He appeared to be the only combatant present as everybody else had buggered off down the pub. It struck him that this was probably the first time this had ever happened to him in his life. No matter - battle would soon be joined.
"Are there none here who would fight me?" he cried. "Are none stout of heart and thick of skull enough to prove their mettel?"
Slowly pacing, he waited.
Reply on 20/08/2001 09:06:10
Kaz builds a pub outside of the Arena to the left of the entrance.
Reply on 20/08/2001 14:18:57
After more than twenty four hours of standing squarely in the middle of the arena on his own, Matneee began to feel like a bit of an idiot. A bead of sweat trickled down his brow - after all, these armoured trenchcoats were quite heavy going in this weather.
"I have waited long enough and now grow weary." He announced to the crowd. "I must go forth,seek new challanges and generally wander about a bit."
So saying, he attatched a red button to the enterance, marking it "Please push here for impending doom.Thank you.". After toying briefly with the idea of hilarious booby traps involving pits, spikes and grand pianos he turned and left, running a wire from the call-button to the building that had mysteriously sprung up and attatched itself to the arena during the night. In fact against all probability, 2 new buildings seem to have mysteriously appeared since yesterday, raising isued of demarkation and union regulations. He decided he must investigate.
Reply on 21/08/2001 13:27:03
Shortly after wiping the bacon and bread vomit from his face, thanks to the impressive features and stench of the owner of the armoury shop, Ahdkaw stumbled into the arena. He didn't even notice the large red button to the side of the arena entrance, and completely failed to get snared by a single trap.
He reached the centre of the arena floor, and the crowd went wild once more:
Ahdkaw! Ahdkaw!
Ahdkaw: Thank you, thank you all for your patience, I'm back, and I have a strange urge to not eat anything from the Death of Minds ever again. So, I await a challenger, who dares stand against Ahdkaw? The official double-killer of Matneee!
With that, Ahdkaw sat at the side of the arena.
Gregory strolled over.
Gregory: Greetings master, you do not look well.
Ahdkaw: I'm alright. All I need now is the latest copy of Donkey Capers to keep me amused until someone challenges me once more.
The ever-faithful Gregory, knew exactly that Ahdkaw would want to see the latest edition, and, since the first publication, had subscribed to it. Gregory retreived the latest copy from within his tunic, and passed it to Ahdkaw. Ahdkaw grabbed the issue with his usual eagerness and buried his head in it.
Reply on 22/08/2001 13:24:48
Kaz walked into the Arena so deep in thought she didn't see the large red button on the wall.
She spotted Gregory at the side of the Arena and called out to him.
Gregory nudged his Master. Ahdkaw dragged his head out of the magazine and quickly thrust it at Gregory, who in turn hid it back in his tunic for safekeeping.
Kaz explained to Ahdkaw that there was to be a big opening party at the pub. She also explained that she had some serious doubts as to the reliability of Fred the flame turning pig.
Then she left mumbling something about preparations to be made, food to be slaughtered, beer to be chilled and a contract to be terminated.
Kaz walked up to the entrance of the Arena with a large sheet of card and stuck it on the wall - right over a large red button - which she completely failed to notice.
The card read :
All who wish to enter the Championship, Please report to 'The Death of Minds' pub.
Contest entry : 5 gold pieces.
Reply on 25/08/2001 20:26:10
A mighty hero from the lands North aproached, his name the stuff of legend in song and deed alike, although as it was unpronouncable in our tongue I shan't even attempt to spell it. He unsheathed a sword of improbable size and sharpness, and reaching the arena center gave forth a deafening battle cry.
"Rrrrraaaaarrrrgggghhhh!" he screamed.
"Sproinggg!" replied the grand piano as it fell from the sky, driving him into the spikey pit below.
"HA HA etc."went the crowd, thinking this trap to be hillarious. But only because it was scripted that they should so.
Sat outside the nearby pub, Matneee smiled into his beer, a feeling of great satisfaction coming over him...
Reply on 05/09/2001 10:41:40
Thwack! Pop!
The crowd "wowed" as Ahdkaw suddenly appeared in the centre of the Arena, looking much the better after his holiday in the some-sun.
Ahdkaw: I am fresh and ready for a new battle! Who dares to challenge me?
Ahdkaw calls over Gregory, who runs over carrying all manner of weaponry, he quickly equips Ahdkaw, handing him the issue of Donkey Capers he had enjoyed so much before going on holiday.
Gregory: Just in case you start getting bored from the lack of true combatants, master.
Ahdkaw: Thanks Gregs, I appreciate it. Now get out of here, I need to prepare for the killing.
And with that, Gregory scurried off to the stands, and waited impatiently for his masters first victim to arrive.
Reply on 06/09/2001 01:46:24
Hearing of the re-entrance of the arena's so far greatest combatant, Matneee made his way from the pub to the arena. Though he bore Ahdkaw no ill will, the two previous executions at his hands being for an imposter, he still tossed him a small green cherry bomb, then took his place in the stands to await the results with interest. Although, it must be said, the epoxy resin he'd smeared it with before hand may create a bit of a sticky situation.
Impressed by the free keyring he'd pulled from the firework, Matneee slowly drew his head into his armoured trenchcoat and awaited the inevitable explosion...
Reply on 06/09/2001 08:54:57
After a few hours of circling the Arena awaiting a challenger worthy of his chagrin, Ahdkaw turned toward the Arena entrance just in time to see Matneee stroll in wearing his resplendent trenchcoat, looking somewhat like a tall, bald Columbo, the only thing missing being the fat wet cigar dangling from his mouth.
Matneee looked over, nodded to Ahdkaw in a respectable "okay, you beat me twice, respect dude" way, and unveiled a sticky-looking grenade from within the depths of his shiny coat, before Ahdkaw had a chance to react the bomb curved across the sky and scuffed the Arena floor, in effect covering the bomb in dust, and then bounced hitting Ahdkaw in the stomach. Ahdkaw leaped backward as the bomb fell back to the floor - too late!
When the dust settled, the scene in the centre of the arena became clear, Ahdkaw was still stood there, looking somewhat bloodier than before, but still conscious, picking cherry-bomb shrapnel from his chest, belly, arms, and legs.
After removing the last of the larger pieces of shrapnel, Ahdkaw looked up to see Matneee raising his head from within his coat. Quick as a flash, Ahdkaw pulled out his sawn-off double-barrelled shotgun, and belted toward Matneee screaming in anger and pain, while shooting shell after shell after shell...
Reply on 25/09/2001 09:18:51
Nothing happens.
Ahdkaw just kept on running, straight through the place where Matneee had been standing, somehow Matneee had completely vanished, leaving only a grey mist which formed as droplets on Ahdkaws' forehead as he rushed on through.
Eventually, a deathly silence falls over the Arena, and Ahdkaw stands near the entrance, looking grimly at the emtpy Arena as well as his empty shotgun, empty shells lay on the floor where they fell, a reminder to their previous violent motions.
Ahdkaw puts his shotgun away, and begins his climb up the gate. He reaches the top, picking up, and attaching his rocket-pack to his back.
Ahdkaw: Screw this for a game of soldiers, I'm off to the pub.
A loud roar of burning fuel is heard as Ahdkaw shoots uncontrollably upward disappearing from view some 2 miles up. Luckily, Ahdkaw managed to gain control, and headed back down towards the Death of Minds.
Reply on 21/02/2002 02:05:06
carried by the pahalnx of unison speaking squirrels, horab finds himself in the very ring which once made hime so very rich.
squirrels:now we will take control of the world!
horab: well that's very nice and all. and thanks for
letting smoke that joint.
squirrels: quiet human! now is the time when we leach
your knowledge and then rejoin with our
brothers and sisters around the world.
horab: oh well then that wouldn't be very nice.
being till somewhat drunk and now freshly baked, horab decided that now would be the time to pull out his trusty pistols and shoot his way out. fortunately just as horab was fumbling at his holsters, sambo the manbear #79 charged from out of the shadows
Manbear:ARRRRRRGHHHHH!
squirrels:ATTTACCCKK!
horab: ouch.
horab fell to the ground somewhat painfully as the squirrels rushed forward to swarm tthe Manbear. Knowing luck when he sees it, horab runs out of the arena as fast as his feet can take him.
"I am the Post Slutting King!!!"
Reply on 21/03/2002 15:53:36
A dark figure walks towards the threatning building that is the Death Arena. Behind it a trail of dust is left by the XXlarge axe that she is dragging along. She stops at the gate to read a paper about a championship or something. Her eyes lit up when she comes across the word pub. But what is this? The sign falls off to reveal a large red button.
Ohhh, I wonder what this does.
She enthusiastically presses the button. There is a small pause, followed by a creaking noise. And another long pause.
Ummm...
Reply on 04/04/2002 01:15:18
horab falls out of a trap door
horab:what in the whole of creation is all of this?!
horab looks around very confusedly
horab: hmmm.... off to the pub for another round i 'spose
Reply on 11/04/2002 12:40:41
Right i guess thats my cue to repent and save my soul before its too late and i am damned for all eternity, right?
*burning dove flies across the sky*
I'll take that as a yes.*drags sword off to the pub*
Suicide bombers strike again.
Reply on 02/05/2002 03:16:36
A mote, a thought, a rise in the dust. An idea?
Who knows. The world would hope for a hero.
Arizu had left the arena. All too late the aged trap that Matneee left sprang into action, using devices so imaginative that nobody reading this passage would believe their description. Hence they won't be described.
Although, well. Nothing.
Well, nearly nothing.
Beneath the carcass of a rotting piano, something oozes. Something black. Formless as of now. But Chop knows it's worth. It is in the sacred code of the Butcher that he would never divulge. he would know the power of Th'iek..
"Are you saying they all died mysteriously?"
Reply on 09/05/2002 07:58:14
A wandering tourist, dressed in shorts and a loud Hawai shirt with a collection of cameras hanging from his neck, a pouch around his waist and a small backpack, comes walking into the arena and sees the remains of an old trap. A black ooze comes from beneath it. The tourist is entertained. What a quaint place this is. He unwraps one of his cameras and starts snapping pictures. Every time he snaps a picture the flash lits up the arena giving it a ghostly appearance. Finally, the tourist sits down and eats some chocy.
Lyric made me do it.
Reply on 15/05/2002 08:31:29
Ahdkaw was going for it, bouncing and dancing around and around, a huge spliff hanging from his lips. He stopped. What had happened to the music? He looked around slowly. Where the hell was he? The last thing Ahdkaw remembered was being at the party at the Shores of Thud. And now he was here. Odd. Is this another of Horabs inventions? Damn.
He noticed also that Penfold was there, his back turned to Ahdkaw, and calling for a battle with Hwicce, there was a trail of chocolate leading from the chocolate pit to nowhere in particular. Ahdkaw flashed a wicked grin, and the crowd visibly awakened.
Ahdkaw prepared himself, "Penfold!!" he shouted. Penfold whirled, well I say whirled, it was more like wobbled around, and looked toward Ahdkaw. His expression looked a bit odd, he seemed to be looking at Ahdkaw but not at the same time.
Ahdkaw: Haha! You're wasted! Time for a bit of blood I feel!
Penfold: Where is Dangermouse when I need him?
Ahdkaw laughed and threw back his head, it landed in the dust some 3 meters behind him, and he had to go back and get it. "No more throwing of head back," he thought.
He pulled out his regulation double-barreled shotgun and wandered over to the mole, he then pushed the end of the barrels into Penfolds mouth, "Goodnight Penfold", he said as he pulled the trigger. Penfolds head disintegrated, sending bone, flesh, blood, and brain matter all around the arena.
Penfolds body refused the fall over, so Ahdkaw picked up his body, carrying it to the main entrance of the arena. Gregory appeared somehow with a large pike which he held out pointing toward his master. Ahdkaw ran as fast as his could toward the pike, holding Penfolds body horizontally, neck first, and spiked him on to pike. Gregory then took the pike with body and stuck it in the ground near the entrance as a warning to others.
The Crowds Cheer! It was the first death they'd seen here in over 6 months...
Reply on 15/05/2002 20:45:29
the crowd cheers!!
horab and jamie oliver appear suddenly on the battle field of the arena of death. horab being momentarily distracted by the cheering crowd doesn't see the oxen-tongued one pull oput a crappy soufle from his pocket
.
horab:i haven't even killed him yet!
crowd: ahdkaw just killed penfold!
the crowd cheers again for the first kill in six months
just at that moment horab gets a soufle to the face. not liking the smell of it he quickly wipes it off only to have j. oliver punch him where the soufle had hit.
well try to punch him anyway. it's a little known fact that horab knew all the martial arts from all the jackie chan movies ever made.
he decided some snake style was in order and in going in to the stance, sidestepped the punch completely. j.olive laughed.
J. oliver: what're ya goin ta do? pose me to death?
finding this rather amusing, horab unstanced, pulled out his twin .50AE desert eagles from their holsters and efficently removed jamie oliver's head from his neck. jamie olivers headless body fell to the gound, emptying all sort of nst foodstuff which began coroding the floor slightly.
the crowd cheers!
another death in as many days!
i'd rather be in tijuana, eating barbequed iguana
Reply on 15/05/2002 23:07:29
despite all the confusion, giatn robot with a chegwin in it's belly shooting stuff, and himself running in suddenly, horab takes the time to explain to penfold about the mutliple horabs running around.
penfold:look out, it's a chegwin disguised as you horab! wait a second, maybe you're the chegwin!!!
horab: settle down. no no, it's not like that at all. as far as i can see, the reason for the mutliple mes is due to brooks grabbing my instant location modifier out my hands just as it was modifying the location. seems at a very high rate of improbability, i am now in two locations at the same time now, and even have the same memories and thoughts as myself.
horab walks over to where horab and penfold are chatting.
horab: i'm right you know. smae person, exactly. not even clones. more like doppleganger's. except there is no "real horab" we're both equally the same person, just existing in two seperate locations at the same time"
at this penfold loks somewhat suspicious, and then confused, and then suspicious again. a hail of bullets spew forth from the robot that was gregory the man servant, which results in penfold leaving the argument for another time.
at this time the crowd is going wild, and the hotdog sales people are turning a profit for the first time in six months.
i'd rather be in tijuana, eating barbequed iguana
Reply on 20/05/2002 09:47:05
The explosion had rocked The Death Arena like never before, the blast had thrown bodies everywhere. Ahdkaw, in particular, had been blown into the depths of the changing rooms, landing arse-first in the shower block, his head cracking against the tiled-walled, a splash of red cast across the white...
Darkness. All seemed quiet for some time...
Banging. Boom boom boom. Thud thud thud. He opened his eyes. Blinding flashes of pain seared across his vision. He close his eyes. He could feel a warm sticky feeling at the back of head. He felt the back of his head with his hand, it was definitely damp back there. Opening his eyes again he looked at his hand, it was soaked in blood.
"Damn!", he thought.
The thudding had receded to a dull throbbing in his head, giving Ahdkaw the opportunity to look at his surroundings. He appeared to sitting in the shower block, the ripped shower curtain hanging loosely from its rail, further out he could the stone of the inner arena wall, a big Ahdkaw-shaped hole being pride of place in the centre of his vision. Someone appeared at the other side of the wall, peering in. Whoever this person was seemed to have spotted him sitting there, and began to clamber through the hole in the wall toward Ahdkaw.
Ahdkaw tried to get up, feeling another attack was approaching, but he couldn't move his legs, he poked at them uselessly, and they responded in like. He looked up again, and the person was now stood at the entrance to shower, "No time for a shower Ahdkaw," Gregory stated, "It looks as though Penfold has been messing with his DNA resequencer again, I think he gave one to Keith"
"Oh shit", Ahdkaw mumbled, "Help me up will you, my legs appear not to work"
Gregory fumbled around in his pockets, pulling a small device from his pocket. It was black and no smaller than a small mouse, and had a single red button in the centre of it.
"Hang on," Gregory stated as he fiddled with the innards of the device, "I just have to alter the effect of this slightly"
"Bloody hell, Greg," Ahdkaw groaned, "Don't tell me you got one too"
"I know, I know, but it landed at my feet when the Penfold body exploded", Greg explained.
"So what happened?" Ahdkaw asked.
"Oh for fucks sake, Ahdkaw! Just scroll up, you arse!"
"No need to be aggressive, Greg, just fix up me legs will ye?"
"Okay, it's ready, hold still"
Ahdkaw rolled his eyes, like where the fuck was he going? Not like he couldn't fucking hold still was it? Gregory pointed the device at Ahdkaws legs and pressed the button...
*THWUP!*
Ahdkaw was standing on top of the gate of the Western entrance to the Arena, no wait... He looked down. He was stood, but in what appeared to be some form of cybernetic device, there were all manner of cool little LED's flashing on in all manner of seeming random patterns, there were lots of switches too...
Down on the arena floor, Ahdkaw could see a ravaged scene, blood and guts, and other unidentifiable bloody bits scattered around the Arena. It had been a messy battle. He could see Penfold, two Horabs, and a young conservative selling young conservative meat-strips in the crowd, it looked like Arizu was currently purchasing a strip...
Ahdkaw crouched, the cybernetic device moving in unison with his legs, he then jumped from the gate and landed with a loud bang, sending shockwaves through the Arena, everyone was thrown off their feet and the crowd bounced around, Arizu dropped her strip - She did not look happy when she managed to pick it back up...
Everyone turned and saw the dominating presence of Ahdkaw in his new cybernetic get-up, a tumultous roar came from the crowd, a small section in the Northern stands stood up and began chanting: "Go Ahdkaw! Go Ahdkaw! Go Ahdkaw!". Ahdkaw grinned. Horab, Horab, and Penfold looked on in dismay, as Ahdkaw flicked one his switches...
Hundreds of thousands of tendrils shot out of the arse-end of Ahdkaw cybernetic trousers, enfolding, and not just encircling and trapping Penfold and the two Horabs, but also grabbing Arizu from the crowd, dragging her body from the stands. She bounced and rattled across the stone steps and landed with a satisfying thud on the Arena floor. All the tendrils tightened around each of then, Ahdkaw laughed as he saw the first Horabs head pop like a water balloon under the pressure of the tendrils, the other Horab, Penfold, and Arizu looked on in horror, as the tendrils slowly uncurled from the broken body of Horab One.
Horab Ones' body fell to the floor, and without as much as a nod from Ahdkaw, Greg rushed over, and split Horab One down the chest with his knife, his stomach, heart, lungs and other innards splashed across the Arena floor. Gregory ripped three of the organs free, one heart, one lung, and one kidney. He rushed over to the trapped forms of Horab Two, Penfold, and Arizu, shoving a bloody organ down each of their throats. Eyes bulging and feeling the fear, they knew not of Ahdkaws plans, and truly wished they weren't there.
A leprechaun appeared, "Haha! Feck off! I'm not helping you lot! Hehehehe!", and promptly disappeared.
The tendrils began retracting, dragging their helpless forms across the Arena, often dropping limbs along the way, Ahdkaw turned around, finally revealing the gaping maw of his cybernetic arse. The screams shook the Land of Thud like nothing ever before. They were soon silenced as they all entered the brown hole from Hell. They weren't there long, as Ahdkaw flicked another switch and the tendrils immediately released their grip of the combatants, and a highly directional blast shot all three of them out over the Arena wall. They eventually landed in a bloody and smelly heap on a passing gravity train, which took them to the furthest reaches of The Land of Thud.
Triumphant, Ahdkaw raised his arms to the crowd, and the crowd held their noses and cheered once more for their hero.
Reply on 20/05/2002 10:26:12
A few hours later after some medical attention and catching the (late) train back to the center of the land of thud Horab, penfold, and Arizu reached the arena where as they expected Ahdkaw was still gloating.
Arizu stormed into the arena, thoughts of her conservative jerky strip that had gone to watse still in her head. She stood, her 5'11 frame looking diminutive in comparison with ahdkaws mechanoid weaponry.
-Ahdkaw you twat, have you any idea how long it took me to get the salesman's attention? And you ruined my new brown suit, you should know plasma never washes out!
Ahdkaw just looked down at her and laughed which made arizu turn a tomato like shade of red. She lifted her sword menacingly. Ahdkaw and the crowd roared with laughter...until she pressed the magnetic button on the swords hilt causing ahdkaws mecha to rumble and squeak before dismantiling. Ahdkaw dropped to the floor somewhat surprised and looking alot shorter. Arizu walked up to him grinning sadistically and dragging along the sword and attached metal.
Unfortunately at this point gregory came along with more strips of jerky and arizu couldn't help but run up to him and purchase some. Before she could even get a bite of the strips ahdkaw had the discourtesy of shooting at her repeatedly. In the folowing diving and rolling to get to cover the conservative strips were lost. Rage flashed across arizus face.
-You did it again. Argh!!!
Arizu rushed ahdkaw and hacked im to little bits and get hacking for various minutes until there was only a red stain in the arena dust. A small fat man in a grey suit approached her :
-Hello maddam, I am a representative of the happy abbatoir and we would like to offer you an adverticing deal.
Arizu glared at him suspiciously...
-You can have all the conservative strips you want.
-Where do I sign?!
Two little dicky birds sitting ona wall, one named Peter one named Paul.
Fly away Peter, fly away Paul, no more little dicky birds, shit all over the wall.
Reply on 20/05/2002 21:44:14
horab sat atop the lighting apparatus of the arena of death.
he smiled slightly as he saw his two clones killed by the modified ahdkaw.
horab slid down his radiation visor. then, purposefully; he positioned the Nt-21 Nuclear bazzooka over his heavily armoured shoulder and took aim. he set the charge for just under 100 meters.
as the modified ahdkaw continued to feed on spectator form the crowd, the restof the crowd continued cheering the grusome spectacle.
keeping his breathing even, horab gently squeezed the trigger, then dissasmbled due to a lack of existence.
i'd rather be in tijuana, eating barbequed iguana
Reply on 06/06/2002 21:59:31
Hmmm, so this is like the movies ere in thud?
Angus after many a stumble and grazed nose on his long and hazzardous jurney, with lots of pearls, you see he stopped of by the sea of thud. Has finaly arrived in The City Thud. They say it is paved with turd and being a keen gardner the jurney seemd a good idea.
Sitting in the crowd blood from somewhere gets in Angus's food and afer a few bites it is aparent this is not ketchup.
Ah ha an interactive show.
Picking up a stick Angus pokes the nearest fighter to test this theory.
Reply on 07/06/2002 15:35:59
Arizu headed towards the death arena with the three headed runt in tow. She was rudely approached my a chegwin trying to get her to give him her details and insiting they wouldnt use them. He was more irritating than anything else. Sha was about to swiftly tell him she didnt have time and walk off but all that came out of her mouth was "okay". The chegwin handed over a clipboard and asked her to write in anyone she knew's address, phone, mobile email, favourite brand of toilet paper, etc etc etc. She was only saved by the pup taking various bites out of the chegwin. Arizu felt quite disoriantated, patted the runt on the head and walked into the arena, clipboard still in hand.
While buying some conservative strips she spotted angus and walked over. He was being picked up by the scruff of his shirt by the fighter hed just poked but seemed quite calm despite the 7 ft gorrila druling in his face.
"Hey Angus" Arizu chirped while simultaneously high kicking the fighter's head off. She handed Angus the clipboard. "Whats with all the spam?" He shrugged not really paying attention to her since the three headed pup was trying to make lunch out of his legs.
A gush of wind sweeped a copy of the weekly thud to Arizus feet. She picked it up and skimmed thru it. Bad news as usual, after all good news is no news. Shed have to pop down and see if she could help with the keiths and maybe check how the witch...oh, new conservative flavours?!. Suddenly thoughts about spam guns and war seemed a bit sillly anyhow. She would check out how everyone was of course, just after she went to get a job as a Young conservative strip promoter. She mummbled a quick goodbye to angus and left the arena, followed by the pup, qll of its 3 heads munching on bits of angus's trousers.
--------------------------
Later that day Arizu returned to the doors of the death arena where the refugees had gathered. She stood on a soap box and addressed the mob:
"People of Thud. A dark day is among us, we have been attacked, as Im sure a lot of you have noticed, by the keiths. But fear not. We shall overcome our would be oppresors and DNA thieves. We shall have back our homes and our crates of Young conservative strips. As soon as it is possible we shall launch an attack to recover the Suburb of doom!"
The crowd cheered.
"Now if you'll all line up here, the bull will sign you up for the army."
The crowd was suddenly very interested in a series of other things, such as their shoelaces. Not one of them came forward. "Umm, come on guys, theres only so many keiths even a 7 ft broadsword can carve up."
The crowd remained silent. "Fine, okay, ill get horab to make me an army. Geesh." The crowd cheered wildly. Arizu stepped dowm from the soap box only to skip back onto it."And remember to buy Young conservative strips and suppost your local thudian hero!" With that she was off to find Horab, followed by Runt.
Reply on 11/06/2002 13:49:19
After the extremely long and, now realised, pointless journey around the outside of the Arena from the Eastern entrance to the Northern entrance, which Ahdkaw had happened to go the wrong way around, passing both the Southern and Western entrances, Ahdkaw finally arrived. He strolled into the Arena from the North side noticing that the usual crowd were still crowded around the stands, and that the entire central floor of the Arena was covered in makeshift homes for the refugees from the Suburb of Doom.
No-one spotted him as he wandered into the shower blocks to his left. As he reached the final shower unit, Ahdkaw looked behind him to check for anyone who might have been watching, but there was nobody there. He turned back around and pulled on the shower-head.
The wall below the shower-head scraped open revealing a dark passageway heading south and downwards. Ahdkaw stepped into the passageway, pressed a button located on the wall, and the wall slid shut behind him. For many an hour Ahdkaw followed the winding and twisting passage and had totally lost his bearings before finally arriving in a huge room filled with crates marked 'For The Death Arena - If Undelivered Please Return To Horny At Ye Olde Armoury Shoppe'. Gregory was busy with a clipboard checking off each of the crates.
"Ah," Gregory said upon noticing Ahdkaws entrance, "long time no see master."
"Yes," agreed Ahdkaw, "I've been busy you know. Hows the shipment?"
"All present and correct," Gregory enthused, "They're ready to be distributed to the army now."
"Good stuff," Ahdkaw said, rubbing his hands together, "But how the hell do we get all this lot to the Arena? It just took me two bloody hours coming from the shower block!"
Gregory looked amused, "Don't you remember sire? This room is under the Eastern stands, and there's a door right here."
Gregory pushed on the door that he was stood next to, and Ahdkaw could see into the Death Arena Refugee Camp. Ahdkaw shrugged and headed out the door toward a handy-looking soap box. When the crowds saw Ahdkaw appear from beneath them they were uproarious once more.
"Ahdkaw! Ahdkaw!" the crowds cheered.
Ahdkaw motioned for silence, and the crowd instantly shut the hell up.
"Now hear this!" Ahdkaw shouted, "I know most of you would rather not get involved with this war we currently have, but you must all help. We have the weapons we need to take back The Suburb of Doom, and they will be freely provided to you all. So, if you would like to all form an orderly queue we can get this done, and take back what once was ours!"
The crowds cheered, and eventually formed an orderly queue of 200,000 crowd-people, which ended up circling the outside of the Arena seven times. Ahdkaw and Gregory broke open the crates and started handing out one flamethrower to each person...
Reply on 11/06/2002 23:12:32
...but as the first flamethrowers are handed out a sound is heard...
$50,000 loan NO QUESTION ASKED
and the spam falls in huge clots on the crowd, killing immediatley those who take a direct hit and making communication between people utterly impossible. Some of the crowd panic and run, some panic and wildly hit out but some stand strong and start flaming the spam as it falls. Ahdkaw still dragging the body of gregory (he took a months FREE internet access to the head) stands on the podium to the north of the arena and tries to organise the crowd but to no avail nobody can here him for the sound of dodgy requests for help from hardened criminals...
The Chegwins burst through the northern and eastern enterances and begin the butchery...
Reply on 12/06/2002 15:33:37
Terrified screams fill the air, AOL disks rain down death and destruction...Thudders run in all directions...BenThudded sees the hero AK and tries to run his way..Free Viagra and refinanced mortgages fly at him. He ducks and weaves quickly covering ground. In front of his is a flame thrower, dropped by a dead Thudder. BenThudded picks it up and starts clearing a path...death to you credit card debt clearer uppers, take that you "Debbie Does Dallas" free porn sites...
"What now AK?"
Reply on 18/06/2002 07:37:14
[After my Happy Farm Post]
The 23rd and 57th Regiments arrived at the Death Arena, and it was deadly quiet, it had never been so empty before. The only sounds that could be heard were the flapping of Slimfast and 'Free-Diploma' leaflets and that had gathered in huge piles of spam. The Keiths had gone.
The area was throughly searched and found to be trap free, and BenThudded took out his brand new shiny CB radio, he had optioned when back at the Happy Farm.
Crackle. Fizz.
"Omega One To Terrible Two", Ben spoke into to radio.
"Come in good buddy" Ahdkaw could be heard to reply.
"The Blood Circle is secure."
"Roger."
Reply on 07/07/2002 08:58:58
The sun was beating down upon the Death Arena, so hot in fact that Penfold fell asleep, and the crowd erected huge covers for the stands, as well as several fans.
Unfortunately the fans were positioned as such as to cause a gale-force wind across the centre of the Arena. Penfold remained asleep as the newly erected 'Insult-o-flag' began rippling and snapping back and forth. The sheer violence of the flapping caused the cotton strands holding the flag between the word 'Is' and 'A' to come undone. The cotton finally gave way, and the flag unfurled further to reveal the logo, "Ahdkaw Is Not A Goth".
The crowd laughed upon seeing this, as they knew it to be the shoddy workmanship of one Grumpy MacPhearson, the owner of the "Flags & Boxes Superstore" opposite the market place in the centre of the city. He had made the 'Ahdkaw is not a goth' flags years ago, but they hadn't sold very well. Then he noticed something he could do with his leftover stock.
As the flag unfurled it became obvious that it was very close to Penfolds head, it began striking Penfolds, leaving huge gashes over Penfolds face. He awoke to that, "Ow" he commented. As he looked toward the offending flag, the pole gave way, and it flew at high speed toward him.
The flag and pole rushed Penfold, the flag material wrapping itself around Penfolds head, and pole striking him sideways whereupon a loud "Clang!" could be heard. Penfold staggered around, concussed and blind from the flag, he was scratching erratically at the flag as he was slowly suffocated.
Around three minutes later, Penfold suffocated on his own words.
"LOL!" went the crowd.
