The Land of Thud
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'The Death of Minds'
Started on 20-08-2001 09:07:43 GMT
In the glistening light of a new morning, a strange building seemed to have attatched itself to the outer wall of the Arena.
A light breeze caught the sign hanging from two gleaming brass hooks
'The Death of Minds'
Another sign, on the wall, announced that it was a pub licenced to sell beers, wines and spirits.
Kaz smiled to herself. A nice bit of work-womanship had gone into the construction of this fine establishment.
Inside, there was a bar the full length of the back wall, a large open spit at the far end of the room (complete with pig turning over the flames) stone floor and a few tables and benches.
Kaz picked up a brush and a tin of black paint. On the wall behind the bar, she painted the words 'If you want to fight - FUCK OFF OUTSIDE!'
Content with her achievements, she got herself a beer and went and sat on the doorstep.
Kaz.
Reply on 20/08/2001 12:21:14
After his truly stupendous victory in The Death Arena against Matneee, and calmly reminding everybody the purpose for said Arena, Ahdkaw decided to look for a bar to drown his happiness in. He didn't have to go very far, as a shiny new building had appeared to left of the Arena entrance, perfectly complimenting Ye Olde Armoury Shoppe on the right.
The sign, glinting in the morning sun, read "The Death of Minds", and was licensed to Kaz, his old drinking buddy and fellow warrior. Kaz was sat drinking a delicious-looking beer on the doorstep.
Kaz: Ah, there you are, welcome to my bar, fancy a drink?
Ahdkaw: Yes please. And let's have a look inside while I'm here, eh?
Kaz: I hope you like it, it took a long time to build this sucker.
Ahdkaw: I'm sure I will.
And with that, Kaz and Ahdkaw entered the bar. Immediately upon entry, Ahdkaw spotted a rather offensive but artistic sign above the bar at the back of the building, but more surprisingly than that, he then noticed a ordinary-looking pig by a huge fire pit. The fact that he/she was turning flames over in the spit made for an interesting picture indeed!
Kaz re-appeared from behind the bar, and handed an ice-cold beer to Ahdkaw.
Kaz: We're really quite lucky really.
Ahdkaw: Why's that then?
Kaz: Well, without electricity in this place, we wouldn't have all our lovely fridges behind the bar. They're a bloody god-send!
Ahdkaw and Kaz then settled down at a table in a corner, and relaxed with their beers. Ahdkaw could still not take his eye's off that weird pig.
Reply on 20/08/2001 12:55:06
Kaz looked inquisitively at Ahdkaw 'Why do you keep staring at the pig?' she asked 'Have you never seen an animal being spit-roasted before?'
As the morning passed into afternoon, the two old friends sat and reminisced over old times.
Slowly, more people drifted into the bar, mostly in groups of two or three. Then, mid-afternoon, a crowd of excitable youths came crashing in, pushing each other and jostling for prominent position at the bar. Brian - the barman - looked to Kaz for approval. She nodded and he turned to the group 'Right lads, what can I get you?'
'Five pints.' one of them replied.
They paid for their drinks and sauntered towards the fire pit, banging into the table where Kaz and Ahdkaw where sitting. The table tipped and beer went crashing to the floor. Kaz stood up slowly, a very unimpressed look on her face.
One of the lads just glared at her, as another sneered 'Ooh sor-ry. Didn't mean to.'
Kaz carefully righted the table and turned, glancing at Ahdkaw and Brian, she said 'This is a quiet pub and it's gonna stay that way.'
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Ahdkaw standing in readiness - the exhaustion of his earlier encounter with Matneee forgotten. Brian had positioned himself at the end of the bar cautiosly watching his Mistress.
The group of imbecilic lads showed no sign of backing down, nor had they noticed the two men standing ready to provide back-up if it were needed.
Neither of them doubted Kaz's ability to deal with the unruly group if she had to - but then again - she shouldn't have to!
Reply on 20/08/2001 14:41:38
"Are you offering me the position of bouncer, Kaz?"
Reply on 20/08/2001 21:31:58
"Bouncer? You couldn't bounce a fuckin' ball!
Only joking mate,
You mean you wouldn't come to my defense?" asked - a by now VERY pissed Kaz.
Kaz.
Reply on 21/08/2001 12:48:55
"I have seen a pig being spit-roasted before, for example that one." (pointing at the pig being spit-roasted) "But I'm not concerned with that pig, I'm talking about that pig over there" (pointing slightly to the left) "I'm just dumbfounded as to how it's turning them flames"
Ahdkaw gets up and strolls over to the pig near the pit.
Ahdkaw: (feeling rather silly) Er... Hello pig, could you tell me what you are doing? Aren't you concerned with your brethren being spit-roasted to your right?
Pig: Oink! I'm turning the flames. That other pig was my older brother and he was always being a bastard toward me. In my opinion, he got what he deserved. You wanna slice? Oink.
Ahdkaw: Have you any baps? I wouldn't mind a bit of rump in a bap.
Pig: Oink! Coming right up!
The flame-turning pig then begins to cut, the fat and juices sizzling into the fire below. After cutting three large slices and putting them into the bap, the pig passes the bacon bap to Ahdkaw.
Pig: We have ketchup behind the bar if you want some.
Ahdkaw: No thanks. (taking a big bite) Mmmm... I hope you're as tasty as your brother.
Pig: I am not to be eaten! Oink. I have a contract with the flame-turning guild for pigs. I provide a very helpful service.
Ahdkaw: Well, good luck to you. I reckon someone will eat you eventually.
Pig: They wouldn't dare! I'd sue!
And with that Ahdkaw turned on his heels and headed out of the bar to look for some action.
Reply on 21/08/2001 12:56:42
'Don't worry Fred,' Kaz said to the pig 'He doesn't understand anything other than beer and battle. 'Course nobody will eat you.'
She turned with a smile, side-stepped the now-silent group of troublemakers and headed for the bar. She made a mental note to ring the guild and get his contract terminated.
Kaz.
Reply on 21/08/2001 13:28:09
After a whispered conversation with Brian the Bartender, Kaz turned and left the pub. Kaz.
Reply on 21/08/2001 14:58:17
Back at the bar, Kaz explained her plans to Brian and then sent him in to the City to get a few supplies for the festivities. She also had him deliver a letter to the Guild of Flame-Turners.
She rounded up a few of her more sober customers and sent them out to spread word of the party to all they could find.
A couple of hours later, a young woman walked into the bar visibly braced herself and marched up to the bar.
Woman: 'Your bartender, Brian, said needed waitresses for the party. I've worked in a couple of pubs in town.'
Kaz: 'What's your name?'
Woman: 'Lise.'
Kaz: 'This is a party for warriors and hangers-on - all lecherous swine - if you can handle it, you're hired. Your first job is to go and see Chop. Take him this order and tell him I'll it collect later.'
For those unfamiliar with The Land of Thud, Chop runs the abbatoir to the South of the Arena. It was specificaly placed so as to be downwind of people yet upwind of the sewage works.
Kaz.
Reply on 21/08/2001 15:55:52
As the evening drew nearer it seemed the whole world had heard about the party.
But what every party realy needed was games.
A Championship. The winner got free ale and the biggest, most suculent pig in the area - Fred. There would have to be a purse as well.
If there was an entrance fee for the competitors then that would cover expenses and get rid of the underhanded pig at the same time.
Kaz.
Reply on 21/08/2001 17:35:56
Ahdkaw returns from the Death Arena after hearing of a big party about to take place in The Death of Minds, "Maybe, I'll get some free drinks?", he thought to himself, while, perhaps with a little too much joviality, skipping like a silly little girl you might see in a street and want to punch and shout very rudely in her face, "Stop bloody skipping!", so he refrained from further skipping and tried to look as calm and settled as possible before entering the inn.
It didn't work of course, as soon as he saw the mass of people, he became all jovial again, especially from hearing all babbling about how good that fight was in the Death Arena, when Kaz (the proprieter) and Ahdkaw killed off Matneee, and also had somehow managed to affix hair to poor Matneee's head. Some were babbling on about Magic, other's didn't rightly care how it happened, it just did, and it looked good, and the popcorn seemed to be a little bit saltier than usual that day...
Ahdkaw crowd-surfed over to the bar. Well, I say crowd-surfed, but it was more like him climbing onto the nearest table and trampling over everybody shouting "Ahdkaw coming over!".
Kaz: Ah, there you are, I've been all over looking for you.
Ahdkaw: Sorry, I was out discovering places, did you know we have a forest called Darker Woods to the North of the stadium?
Kaz: Of course I bloody do you arsehole, I was born and raised there!
Ahdkaw: Sorry, I temporarily forgot for a moment there, it won't happen again.
Kaz:(under her breath) It better bloody not.
Ahdkaw: Anyway, what's this about a competition? You need a game? I know a game we could play.
Kaz: Go on then...
Ahdkaw: Pig Roasting.
Kaz: Pig roasting?
Ahdkaw: Not that sort of roasting! I mean each person has a go a giving Fred a roasting, and whoever comes up with the best insults wins!
Kaz: But who decides on the winner?
Ahdkaw: Well the pig obviously, the more it cries the more insulting a particular insult is. Simple.
Reply on 22/08/2001 10:22:25
'No, Ahdkaw. I have much better plans for Fred. He is the star prize. If you win the competition, you win Fred. Then he is yours to do with as you please. I was about to send him to The Farm, but I'll leave it if you like!'
Kaz.
Reply on 22/08/2001 11:18:22
About 20 mins later, Brian returned along with a delivery of extra benches and tables for outside the pub. He approached his Mistress and handed her a sealed letter. Kaz broke the seal and scanned the contents of the letter. All was in order. The Guild of Flame-Turners had terminated Fred's contract on the grounds of Intent to be Disloyal - (/buying/hiding weapons at work).
Kaz next sent Brian to collect the meat from Chop, and left Fred to prepare the three firepits outside the pub.
She just needed someone to be in charge of the competition - someone not intending to enter.
The entrance fee was to be set at 5 gold pieces. To the winner would go 200 gold pieces, free beer, a prize pig and the title of Champion of Thud.
Kaz.
Reply on 23/08/2001 09:24:03
Ahdkaw wanders into the pub, noticing the increased activity both outside and within.
Kaz did not appear to be there, in fact he had last seen her attaching a sign to the entrance to the Death Arena, but now he had no idea where she had gone. He looked for Brian, but he didn't appear to be there either.
Ahdkaw decided to sit in the doorway awaiting Kaz and any contestants who may have been on their way.
Reply on 23/08/2001 09:37:29
Kaz reappeared.
Kaz 'Hi, Fancy a beer?'
Ahdkaw 'You buying?'
They sat at one of the tables outside and chatted, waiting for more competitors to arrive. With the crowds already swelling, it promised to be a great success.
Brian arrived with Chop and a wagon full of meat. This was quickly put on the spits. Eight barrels of beer were put near one of the tables and another two were put on the table along with a load of tankards.
Kaz stood on one of the tables and faced the growing crowd.
Kaz 'Welcome to The Death of Minds. For the next few hours, beer and food is on the house.'
This raised a welcoming cheer from the onlookers as they ran for the barrels.
Kaz.
Reply on 23/08/2001 13:42:46
After the magical reappearance of Kaz, Ahdkaw sat with Kaz enjoying the sun and free beer, and began contemplating the Championship, how would it work? Who would judge? When will the instructions appear? Where will it take place?
Ahdkaw: So are you going to tell me how this championship works?
Kaz: No not yet. You will have to wait until I have everyone elses attention. Be sure to refill your glass.
Ahdkaw looks down at his glass and realises he'd already finished it, and strolled over to the barrels to pour himself a new one. He found another glass on top of one of the barrels and decided to fill that one up too.
Reply on 25/08/2001 20:06:54
As it had taken upward of five days for Matneee to cross from the Armoury to the Pub, it must be assumed that the road between the two of them was a particularly broad one. Either that or he'd been sidetracked by many great and terrible adventures, only to return with tales of danger and excitement, deeds of daring'do and valour. Ok, it's unlikely and seems more plausible that he'd just been lazy, but it's a nice thought anyway. He was horrified to discover he'd arrived 58 hours too late for the free food and beer and showed his disgust in no uncertain terms.
"I am disgusted." said Matneee, banishing all thoughts of uncertainty from his head. "I have treked for many days and almost as many yards from yonder Armoury, and would seek refreshment"
Kaz and Ahdkaw grunted their apathy to this revelation from where they sat slumped at the threshold, in what could only be described as a stupor. The pose suited them and to some may even have been taken as great improvement on their usual animations.
"Right! Fine!" He contininued. "Service with a scowl. If that's the way it's going to be then sod the lot of you, I'll help myself!" and so saying retrieved a rather grimy glass from behind the bar, then stomped over to the nearest barrel to quaff his fill. He opened the cask and with a smile on his face, inhaled deeply. The smile vanished. Something clearly troubled him.
"Here!" Matneee declared. "There appears to be a frog in this barrel of beer!"
"S'not possible." slurred Kaz. "My beer's th'finest in the land. Well, actually, 's th'only in the land, but that amounts to pretty much th' same thing." And so saying she fell over under the weight of alcohol.
"No,honestly," he continued, "there is! Look! He's wearing a berret and a string of onions and everything. Claims he's called 'Henri'."
Ahdkaw staggered over to investigate.
"No, he's right. There <i>is</i> a frog in the beer. 'Bonjour, mon ami!'" said Ak, attempting to show off his multi-lingual skills and perhaps curry favour with any french people who'd accidentally stumbled across the site.
"Merde!" spat Henri in typical French fashion. "Je n'aime pas ton visage!". But this was just the type of degenerate behaviour we'd came to expect from our unhygenic garlic-munching cousins.
"How unsavoury." thought Matneee, appalled by this sudden lack of political correctness but frankly not really caring. And with that idea in mind he tossed into the barrel one of the novelty, green cherry bombs he'd picked up at the Armoury and having slammed the barrel closed, haistily nailed it shut.
In an act of unprecedented and selfless heroism, Matneee snatched one each of the drastically unsteady Kaz and Ahdkaw in each hand, and kicking over the nearest table lept to safety.
"Iieee!Putan!" Screamed Henri, a collossal explosion rocking the area as the barrel blew assunder showering the nearby spectators with stale beer, garlic and lengths of french offal. They would do for future attemps at retro-taxidermy.
Three faces and twice as many hands arose chad-like over the table and viewed the devestation that had befallen. Actually, the damage was nowhere near as bad as expected, in fact being mostly cosmetic. The pub itself was intact and Brian was already clearing the mess, shovel and wheelbarrow at hand. It would be gone and forgoten within a few minutes.
"Kaz, I'm sorry." sighed Matneee, hanging his head in shame. "I seem to have killed one of your barrels of beer. But in future you really must check them more thoroughly for Frenchmen. Ever since Agincort they can't be trusted. And i'm given to understand they're all breast-fed to the age of fourteen as well."
"I understand now." Kaz repied, clearly grateful. "Thank you for saving us from this close case of near-gallic poisoning. You may drink free beer for ever in view of your recent deeds."
"I too am grateful." spluttered Ahdkaw, vomiting once more into a decorative flower-bed. Matneee suspected Ahdkaw may be begining to make something of a habit of this behaviour. And while the the thought of free beer was tempting, his work here was done. For the present at any rate. Although, it wouldn't hurt to stay and drink a while before continuing on his wanderings would it? And so, the sun glinting off his trenchcoat, he sat at the now miraculously spotless table amongst Ahdkaws picturesque vomit-beds and began to sink beers...
P.S - Any comments made by Eris de Discord about the content of this entry shall be viewed as overtly 'French' and as such ignored.
Reply on 28/08/2001 13:46:34
Satisified that the frog had finally been excluded from The Land of Thud, Ahdkaw settled down with another beer.
Ahdkaw: I'm afraid I won't be able to stay much longer, I'll be taking the next dimension-jump to Chester for a holiday.
Matneee: Oh, and I was looking forward to finally enjoying a beer or two with you, without you chopping my head off or something equally unpleasant.
Kaz: And I still have lots of beer left, that I specifically bought in because I knew you would be a regular.
Ahdkaw: Worry not you two, the next available dimension-jump isn't until the 30th August, so we still have a couple of days drinking time. I should get back at sometime around the 5th Sept, so make sure you've stocked up again, Kaz.
Kaz got up, wandered over to the only barrel left, and filled around 20 glasses, putting each onto a huge wooden tray, crafted by Brian from the exploded barrel, and carried them over to Ahdkaw and Matneee.
Kaz: Well, we better get started on these then...
Reply on 29/08/2001 18:12:46
Uponeth the news of the death of one her brethren, Eris de Discord stumbled her way into the Land of Thud through no fault of her other than to discoverth the untrue identity of this Matneee who dared speak mon nom.
She knewest of this place, doth which cometh frometh the moutheth of Ahdkaw, and she hear of Henri long time ago, when she was still in France, but she always knew he would be no good man. He probably deserve it yes.
Eris sit/stands in a corner/chair drinking of de nect-er, awaiting the returnez-vous de Ahdkaw from his holiday.
Reply on 29/08/2001 21:17:52
And thus Eris de discord can chalk up the first murder in the Death of Minds. Everybody cheered. However, as its only murder of the French tongue, 'vous' shall survive to maim another day. As of now, they are awarded a skull badge, carefully hand-crafted from the most typical of garlic.
Reply on 25/09/2001 09:38:07
Although the last month had been a rather quiet and dull affair at The Death of Minds, Eris de Discord had stayed on to tend to the bar in Kaz's absence, no-one had visited or even bought a take-out, but Eris de Discord had resigned herself to drinking herself into a month-long stupor.
On this particular day though, Eris de Discord knew something was different. Whether it was down to her headache being slightly less bad than ever before or not didn't matter. She sat at one of the outside benches, certain of welcoming her first customer since she took over of the bar.
She could hear something, a roaring sound, coming from far away but definitely coming this way, but from where? She looked to her left, to her right, and behind her, but she could see nothing and the roaring was getting louder and getting closer. Finally she looked up, and noticed someone in a jetpack heading directly toward her. Almost instantly Eris de Discord realised she could be in a lot of danger here, and so dived as quick as she could away from the bench.
Just in time too, as Ahdkaw came crashing down straight into the bench she had just been sat at. The dust settled. Eventually, she could see Ahdkaw standing up from within the debris, he was waving and smiling!
Eris de Discord: You damn fool, you nearly morte moi!
Ahdkaw: Never mind Eris, get us a drink will ya?
Eris de Discord: I knew it! Hooray, my first customer!
And with that Eris de Discord sprinted happily to the bar to get a drink for herself and Ahdkaw. Within moments she was back outside carrying a tray full of bottles of ice cold beer, she put the tray down at Ahdkaws bench and sat down.
Eris de Discord: To save us going back for more.
Ahdkaw: Good idea!
And with that Eris de Discord and Ahdkaw sat drinking and making the merry, and eventually Eris de Discord gave Ahdkaw some pre-rolled.
Reply on 10/02/2002 00:56:28
Interesting times indeed. Much had passed over the days - months even - and the Death of Minds had run to seed. Reports were that even an untamed Frenchman had been allowed in of late. Well, times are so hard to judge in times of such stress. A plague had befallen the land in which many feet were placed in mouths and ennuie was rampant in the world of Thud.
The sun crawled reluctantly over the horizon. With loathing, it's first beams felt tentatively across it's options and, finding one to be less repellent than others, settled on a pile of cloth left on a table.
It is with interest we shall observe this pile. I mean, a pile is hardly a descriptive word, is it? Some are tall. Some are wide. Very few have feet. This one did, though. A brief shuffling and not an inconsiderable amount of groaning resolved the pile into Matneee. He'd looked better. An empty port bottle rolled along the pub table as he stirred. Something he should be remembering? Hmm... Let us watch and see.
'Ting' goes the brain! 'Awake! Happy thoughts! The sun he has his hat on, hip hip hip hoo <i>ouch </i>. Hangover. I have a hangover. Why?'
An obvious bottle catches the eye.
'Explains a bit. Now why drunk?'
The sun was doing well in it's endevour to climb today. Already, it was past the point of filtering through trees. I mean, that sort of lighting was for amatures. More experienced was Star Thud. Pity it's efforts are being wasted then.
Having a worm's eye view of the table, the new carving should have been instantly visible to Matneee. Fingers creep out of sleeves. Search for cigarettes. Stumble across lighter to the left. Stumble across cigs to the right. Raise self onto elbows. Light cig. Draw deeply. Exhale. Ignore blue flashy lights in front of eyes. Eyes settle on easy staring point on table. Relax.
Smoke Cig.
The sun, at this point, feels a little left out. After all, It feels it's put in a fine performance on it's narative debut. Sulks a bit. Bit before exiting stage left, puts in one particularly vivid burst that even the most bloodshot of eyes could not ignore, and deep shadowings are suddenly drawn in last nights table carvings.
"Overmind", reads one.
"Chegwin" reads another.
Where Matneee was sat, there was the remenants of a brief shriek. A trail of dust led across the road In the direction of Horny the Dwarf's emporium..
Reply on 10/02/2002 13:15:42
The sound slipped through... Something or someone was nearby; usually the urge to react and defend would be foremost in his mind, but he was comfy, and had been here for quite some time. Sunlight dazzled in his eyes, or rather, made the back of his eyelids glow slightly red; it was a definite change from the darkness before. Ahdkaw awoke from his slumber.
Slowly looking around, he noticed rubbish strewn around (mostly old bottles, pint glasses, shot glasses, and empty crisp-packets). Eris de Discord was nowhere to be seen. 'Odd', he thought. He was pretty certain what happened to a point, he remembered a massive drinking session, and then... 'Hmmm'
The sound. Yes, the sound, what was it then? He looked in the general direction of where he last perceived the source to have been; he saw a pile. It was moving! He lay there watching for a few more minutes, until he got his resources together (skins, baccy, weed, and lighter), and tried to sit up, knocking the back of his head against the underneath of the bench.
"Ow!" That got his attention. Matneee looked up from the table he was intently studying, and mumbled across, "I concur", and returned to his study of tables.
Ahdkaw shuffled out from under the bench and slowly stood up. <i>Now</i> he knew why Matneee had concurred... 'Where is Brian The Bartender?', thought Ahdkaw, 'surely it's his responsibility to clean up around here?'
Brian The Bartender immediately appeared at the entrance of the Death of Minds Inn, looked grimly around, and said, "Oh no, this will never do", he turned to Ahdkaw, "I concur". A broad, knowing smile stretched across Brians huge face, and then turned and busied himself with cleaning up.
Shock.... Whirling, spinning... Brian The Bartender couldn't have heard him could he? A psychotic barman? Or was that psychic? No matter. This called for an immediate sit down. He sat down, quite luckily, directly opposite Matneee, "I need a drink", Ahdkaw said. "I concur" Matneee quite aptly put.
As they sat awaiting their drinks, Matneee pointed at the fresh-inscriptions on the table, "looks like Keith was here".
Reply on 11/02/2002 14:36:00
As light dwindled from the Thuddian sky, Tarjeib entered The Death of Minds. The squeak of the door made everyone look in his general direction, but a little light was still far too much for two piles who sat opposite eachother, in weedy inspection of the table.
Turning to Brian, Tarjeib requested that some bacon and a pint be brought to his table. The new guest at The Death og Minds was carrying a rather important-looking suitcase. Upon seating himself he opened the suitcase and brought forth a small French flag, which he then set ablaze with his matches. Brian got a glimpse of the contents of the suitcase, and mumbled to himself "I concur". Said container contained a considerable amount of small French flags, and several boxes of matches.
Tarjeib sat in silent meditation as the flag burned. Looking around, after his sitting down ritual, Tarjeib saw no stirring in The Death of Minds. He seemed content, and ready to consume uncalled-for amounts of alcohol.
"Thank you, I'm here to challenge all things French. If you have some intel on French activity in the area I will make it worth your while" Tarjeib said to Brian, when the bacon and pint was brought to his table.
"I'll keep my eyes and ears open, sir" Brian replied.
Reply on 20/02/2002 23:28:07
i mozy on into the ol' death of minds removing my ten gallon hat, and sit at a table.
the waitress takes my order.
waitress:what will you be havin?
horab:do you have budweiser here?
waitress: yes we do.
horab: then i'll have one of those. thanx.
at this point the waitress left to fill the order, and i began to look around. as it was only nine a.m., there were just a few squirrels and drunken goat. the waitress returns with the budwesier
waitress: here is your beer
she opens then places the bottled beer on a small napkin on the table.
horab: thanx.
waitress: that'll be 5 quid
horab: what? i've got dollars.
waitress: then 7 dollars
horab: ok
i take out a ten dollar bill and give it to the waitress
waitress: im sorry, i didn't know you were canadian,
that'll be 10 dollars
horab: damn worthless money
i light a ciggarette and begin drinking my beer.
Reply on 04/04/2002 01:29:22
horab dusts himself off, then walks on ver to the death of minds.
feeling rather shaken from encountering a phalanx of squirrels, then falling out of something rather suddenly, he thinks he need sanother drink.
horab: hmmm... seems to be rather dull in here...
he mutters to himself.
horab walks upto the bar and glancing around seems to see himself abot six weeks earlier, just before he encountered those dastardly squirells, then shrugs
horab: unnghh(shrug)
barkeep: what'll you be havin t'day there boyo?
horab: whatever i was drinking before or now or or whatever
barkeep: one bud it is then!
the barkeep places napkin then a can of bud on the counter.
horab: what's all this about, i thought these places only
served bottles and draught.
barkeep: that's right! but we got a change of management
here now boyo! hobgoblins have taken over the whole
shbang.
horab: i spose that xplains the lack of the juke box.
barkeep: right-o! nobody really like the thing anywares!
how do you like the musack?
horab: musack is musack i spose.
barkeep: yes yes. that's what i toldem but they keep askin
me what the custies think anywares.
horab: yes i spose so eh.
barkeep: what are you a bleedin' c'nadian?
horab: yes that is the state of affairs.
barkeep: well off wit ya then ya blimely hoser speaking
canuck!
horab: is that hows its gonna be thens?
horab reaches for his throwing ax, then plants the business end firmly in the barkeep's forhead.
horab: well then then eat that hoser.
horab continues to enjoys hi premium lager.
Reply on 11/05/2002 16:55:45
brooks walks in, sees Horab drinking month old lager and hops onto the bar. The barkeeper seems to have had a major headache. She leans under the bar and grabs some Black Butte.
Nummy! Boy this place is slow....
Reply on 12/05/2002 21:03:25
being the sort to feel out of place in large crowds, horab activates his instant location modifier and finds himslef in the death of minds, sorrounded by ravers dancing in odd contortions to the now mellow musack rendition of "changes" by tupac.
ignoraing the strangeossity of that site, he saddles up to the bar, where in place of teh barkeep with the splitting headache, now an obviously inebriated zebra tends to the cuntomers.
zebra:hallo sir! got in new cider today. free samples!
horab:what manner of cider is this that would be served in bars? it cant be regular ol' apple cider is it?
zebra: i dunno what it is sir, but it keeps the inebration going.
horab:well i'm not fond of drinking stuff i don't know the taste of, give me a keith's plae ale.
the inebriated zebra place the bottle on a napkin and uncaps it.
suddenly horab walks in with brooks and arizu. horab doesn't notice this right off, but when someone begins ordering chocylagers, horab realizes soemthing is indeed afoot.
Reply on 13/05/2002 03:33:38
brooks orders a chocylager and looks around
Hey horab, isn't that you over there? she pokes him
Are you for real?
Reply on 13/05/2002 03:40:38
horab looks over and sees himself at the bar.
Horab: yes i do belive a fellow so good looking could be none other than myself!
horab ponders this a moment but is interupted by an inebriated zebra who brings him his drink.
Reply on 13/05/2002 12:16:37
*eyes light up* Well, I dont mind that means more hor...errr, brown suits for me
Reply on 15/05/2002 00:56:37
horab ooks to where arizu is pointing, which happens to be where the loud ordeing of chocolate lager is taking place. noticing first the stunning brown suit, then the unmistakable rugged features, horab decides another round, and even a fat spliff are are in order.
he gulps down the drink, and inhales the spliff, and then decides that a visit to ye old men's room is next on the list of things to do.
on his way horab comes face to face with horab.
horab:hello, your'e me ain't you?
horab: well, yes i spose i am.
horab:this is rather akward isn't it?
horab: i have to go pee.
with that horab conintues on his journey to ye old men's room, being weary that more of him might pop up.
meanwhile horab sits back down and thinks aloud
horab: must be a bug in the instant location modifier. have to fix that.
brooks:works just fine, now that it locates chocy.
arizu saunters over and picks horab up by the collar
arizu:your coming with me brown suit boy.
Reply on 15/05/2002 15:02:49
(Horab youre asking for trouble there)
Arizu leaves her impossibly huge sword on the bar, grins at brooks and drags horab away (not that hes struggling) to a room at the back with a sign precariously hanging on the door that reads "Luv shack". 15 min, later Arizu walks out of the luv shack wearing Horabs brown suit.
Arizu:(to brooks) told you i could get him to give me his suit. Pay up. What was the bet? 5 bars of white chocolate I believe.
Brooks: damn it!
Meanwhile horab is left in the luv shack with the prospect of walking round naked or wearin arizu's black shirt, red jacket and kilt-like skirt. As he slips into the jacket he realises he's not alone in the luv shack. There is an evil presence there
horab: um, whos there?
J.Oliver: It is I Jamie Oliver (omnious voice cue thunder, the figure walks out of the shadows). Hows my pukka brother?! Join me and we'll rule this lush land of thud, ahahahaha!
Reply on 15/05/2002 20:34:08
horab walks out of ye old men's room, feeling more refreshed from such a journey than usual. he notices a big grin on his face, and tries to slap it off, but it keeps coming back. suddenly he sees arizu wearing a brown suit, and realizes he's been trading clothes again.
just at that exact moment, his other self comes running out of the luve shack wearing nothing but a red jacket. horab runs out of the death of minds and off to somewhere else. sensing impending doom, horab puts on his night vision aviator sunglasses and wlaks cautiously into the luv shack. there he sees the most terrible being on the face of the planet. it was none other than matneee's evil nemisis, and his own evil borther, jamie oliver. thinking that the crowd at the death arena hadn't seen any action in months, horab quickly used his instant location modifier to send them both to the arena of death...
------------------------
some undetermined time later, horab walked into the death of minds. it was quiet for a thursday. too quiet, he thought. he sat down at a table and the inebriated zebra stumbled over to take his order.
zebra: can i get you drink sir?
horab: yes, i'll have a bud please. and also a montreal silroin with patatoes and peas, with a dry martini.
zebra: we no longer serve beef here sir.
horab: i'm sorry, i didn't hear you.
zebra:we don't serve beef anymore sir, the livestock have taken over the farm.
a irritated look crawls across horab's face at hte thought of beefless dinner when he had been looking forward to a tasty sirloin.
horab:well then, what kind of meat do you have?
zebra: only young conservative, sir.
horab:well then give me a young conservative sirloin, montrealized.
zebra: one last thing sir.
hroab: and that would be?
zebra:i need to know which horab you are sir. you called this afternoon and said that you are to be asked for billing purposes.
horab looked stunend for a moment. he had no idea of qhat the zebra poke of, and was slightly irritated by the notion that there might be more than one of him.
horab: i am the only horab.
zebra: ahh yes, horab number 4. soem bread rolls will be with you shortly.
with that the zebra staggered back to the bar to punch in horab's order.
horab wore a dark expression on his face. he didn't know anything about any other horabs running around, and felt that such a thing might be bad for the expense account. then his thoughts tutrned to the thoughts of subsisting off young conservatives, and not beef or bacon. he had programmed the cattle to like being eaten. it seemed that something terrible had happened, what it was, he had no idea, but it was indeed very, very bad.
Reply on 24/05/2002 12:47:17
The Zebra are serving, and it's drinks on the house!
Ahdkaw and Penfold arrived just in time on their sofa to The Death of Minds, as they could see Matneee approaching from the distance.
"Shall we wait for him?" Penfold asked.
"We'll wait for him inside," Ahdkaw surmised.
They both headed to the pub, and ordered too many drinks to be listed here, and sat in the comfyist, darkest, recess of the pub.
They began to drink.
Reply on 24/05/2002 12:51:44
Arizu ran into the death of minds, dragging her sword and looking slightly agitated.
-Horab for once Im grateful for your incompetence. Those silly animals at the happy abatoir have started a revolution, they released me from the chegwins and say that theyll pummel anyone who eats any meat that isnt young conservative.
At this point the zebra brought Horabs order to the bar.
-Aw, thanks Im famished
Arizu promtly started devouring the conservative steak, and ordered a bottle of tequila.
Where's penfold? I havent seen him since the arena.
Reply on 24/05/2002 13:09:48
Ahdkaw stood up when he saw Arizu wander in. She buggered off to the other side of the pub without noticing him, so he got up, beer in hand, and wandered around to find Arizu sitting with Horab.
Ahdkaw sat at the table.
"Alright there Arizu, Horab, nice to relax for once, eh?", he said, smiling.
"Cheers!" They both said before thirstily guzzling down a pint of guinness each. Ahdkaw downed his too, and bought the next round.
Reply on 24/05/2002 13:28:44
(oops, thats what i get for taking so long to post)
Arizu gladly downed her pint. She then paused thoughtfully for a moment.
-Hey ahdkaw, you wouldn't know why the fuzzy things at the happy farm have suddenly got so touchy about being massacred? Or why there was a you in an overgrown mecha at the arena?
Reply on 25/05/2002 01:15:53
horab watched with mobid fascination as arizu gobbled down the young conservative steak. he ate a few peas adn some carrots, between mouthfuls of lager.
arizu:i can't belive you didn't want this!*munch*munch*munch* young conservative is so good. *snarf*munch*snarf*munch* soooo much better than beef *snarf*snarf*munch*snarf*
horab lit a ciggarette, then replied: just isn't right ya know. i'm not toatally against cannibalism ya know, but i mean, it tastes like veal or something.
arizu finished the young conservative steak, then washed it down with a double of tequila.
horab ordered another round for for himself and ahdkaw, while arizu helped herself to another glass of tequila.
horab:clones are bad enough. then you tell me about the source, and well that does it. we've got to do something.
ahdkaw: indeed, do something we must.
arizu:what are we going to do?
the three of them downed their drinks, then looked at penfold, who tried to look innocent, then failed, then tried looking determined, and sprained his face.
Reply on 25/05/2002 22:47:27
Noetic walks into the pub and orders a large pint of Stella. She sits down at the bar, quietly watching the strangers who have entered the pub just seconds before her. A bunch of scruffy-looking magic-types are currently busy arguing with a pair of even scruffier-looking blokes, of which one seemed strangely familiar to Noetic whereas the other simply carried a cunning likeness to a demonic mole she had once had in her petting zoo.... Before the authorities closed it, that is.
She didn't quite feel comfortable about packing up and moving to Thud, what with all the cloning and witching and stuff going on. But it was the only place that would allow a demonic petting zoo to open its doors to the public within a radius of about 1000 miles, so she'd not exactly had any choice in the matter.
Sighing profusely, she drowned all her daily worries (setting up a demonic petting zoo from scratch ain't easy!) in alcohol and waited for something interesting to happen....
Reply on 25/05/2002 23:04:31
Noetic turns around in surprise - she really had not expected any of her previous exhibits to have escaped from the claws of the authorities!
"How the hell did you get away from them?"
She then points to the stubble that's left of her left hand and says
"They were really upset when I told them that the sign on the doors says 'No Dogs, Children or Demon Fish Please'".
Realising that her arm was bleeding profusely all over the pub carpet she tucked it away again and mumbled
"Well I guess I'll have to pay this fancy cloning plant a visit tomorrow morning before I open my shop. You really need two hands when you're trying to handle demonic pets, y'know"
But then again, what with Penfold being one of her most demonic exhibits in the past couple of years, he sure would know....
Reply on 25/05/2002 23:16:38
arizu had finished the young conservative steak, while ahdkaw looked into his drink with much chagrin, as did penfold. horab noticed a guilty look on his face, from which it came he could only guess. he decided it would be a good idea to go shoot some stuff, and mosied out of the pub.
a disheveled stranger walked through the door, smeeling slightly of fish. she and penfold began conversing as arizu ordered a plate of young conservative strips. a loud rocket like sound could be heard just outside the pub, then stoped suddenly. nobody took any notice of this. a minutes later horab in full combat brown suit, mosied into the pub looking thristy. he pulled up a chair and ordered a pint. which upon arrival, he guzzled quickly. he then orcdred another and told the bartender to bring the keg, and a motreal steak. they wrangled over the legitamcy of beef steak in thud, then horab told himto bring some buffalo wings instead.
it was getting rowdy in the death of minds. the witches were setting up shop in a corner, while the herbalists were busy constructing a strange cynlidrical thing out of paper.
horab walked through the door wearing only his pjs. he had been playing firarms 2.6 for 84 hours straight, and had decided to look at the outside world for a few minutes. this it seemed, had been a mistake. not only were there alll sorts of naeekid old men running around with uzis and spam guns, but the weather was bad and horab had forgotten to get dressed the other morning.he hadn;t even noticed his landtype gundam parked outside. horab felt like a coffee, but knew that what he really needed was strong drink, so he ordered up a shot, and a lager. the not as obviaously inebriated zebra walked back to the bar, muttering something about not having enought time to enjoy his hobby with so many customers. a herbalist , dressed in heavy cloak which obscured his face save for the week old beard, sat at horab's table. he laid out some rolling papers, and some herbs, and began tearing apart the herbs fastidiously with his fingers. horab watched the herbalist do this while he threw back his shot, then threw his shotglass over his shoulder. when the herbs were a rough pile, the herbalist put them in one of the rolling papers, then rolled them into a rather obscure style of the cone known as the bugle. horab didn't notice this. he was zoned from playing video games for too long. he hadn't even checked his mail yet. the herbalist lit the spliff and passed it to horab. horab barely managed a thanks as he toked deeply, and without haste, upon the fruity aromaed joint.
Reply on 26/05/2002 11:34:29
After ordering and devouring a succulent 'Young Conservative Flavour'-style Quorn steak along with mash and vegetables, Noetic orders another pint and guzzles it down while bemusedly watching an array of Horabs entering the pub at varied intervals.
She then gets up, says her goodbyes to the hellmole and wobbles in the general direction of the cloning plant before she remembers the cardboard box that she had stowed away in her basement when she'd moved in the week before. Still wrapped in the original packaging, it contained a state-of-the-art Thud-O-Matic3000 (tm) cloning gun which Noetic had ordered after watching the 'BuyBuyBuy' channel for a tad too long.
She'd never actually used it, but she had ordered it in case any petting zoo visitors were still left alive after their stay and insisted on getting their lost limbs or digits back. Considering the still bleeding mess in her coat pocket, now might be a good time to try it out.
She turned around on her heels and wobbled back towards the Suburb of Doom, where she had set up camp in a small, temple-shaped mansion-type thingy a few days previous.
Reply on 27/05/2002 13:04:33
Arizu was bored. Shed already had all the young conservative she could eat and she kept losing her nerv whenever a witch or herbalist dropped holy substances on her. So far there were 5 of them in the kitchen, helping the zebra with its, umm "hobby".
-Umm guys Im off. If anything comes up about the chegwins give me a ring yeah? Hey penfold, did your lady friend say something about a petting zoo?
-Yeah, why?
-I really want a pet. The house has been lonely since the mob took away Freedy. That iguana was a mean gambler *sigh*.
Arizu walks out but is unable to resist thwacking another witch before heading towards the petting zoo.
-----------------
The next day a fat pig walked into the pub. He put various posters pf Arizu ponting her finger and reading:
-------------------------------------
Arizu Wants You!
At this time of conflict we need to work together against the Chegwin threat. Report to the death arena to join the thudian army.
Your Thud neeeds you!
This public message brought to you by Happy Farm Industries and Young Conservative products.
-------------------------------------
Reply on 11/06/2002 11:59:41
Ahdkaw awoke with a banging headache. He looked at the calender on the wall, and realised that he couldn't tell what the date was by just looking at a paper calender hanging on a wall, and instead clambered to his feet. He remembered a massive drinking session with Arizu, Penfold, Noetic, and the Horabs. Something about the witches, Keiths, and spam was clattering around in head without any particular cohesion as to what it was all about.
He looked around the small room. He was in a guest room in the upper floors of the Death of Minds, although he couldn't figure out how he got there. He noticed a copy of The Weekly Thud lying on the floor just inside the doorway, he reached over to pick it up, and noticed a small package fall from the middle of the paper. He picked it up and read, 'Free With This Issue Of The Weekly Thud - Instant Relief Aspirins'. "Handy", Ahdkaw mumbled to himself, and ripped open the packet, throwing all three pills contained within down his throat.
The headache was gone. His memory had not returned though.
Reading through The Weekly Thud, his memory began to return, "Oh shit," he said to no-one in particular, "Now I remember."
Ahdkaw picked up his jacket and wandered out of the room, not forgetting to lock the door after leaving. He was in a long corridor, with stairs leading in both directions (up and down), to the east end of said corridor. He headed down the stairs into the bar.
The first thing Ahdkaw saw upon entering the bar was a HUGE poster of Arizu pointing directly at him, stating "Arizu Wants You!". Ahdkaw blushed, but then realised that it was actually a poster for joining the new Thuddian army.
Penfold was sat at a table drinking cyder, as usual.
"When was this put up, Penfold?" asked Ahdkaw pointing at the poster.
"Oh, sometime this morning I think," Penfold replied.
"So why haven't you gone to join up yet?" Ahdkaw continued to probe the hamster.
"Jeez! Let me finish my cyder first," said Penfold.
"Okay, okay" Ahdkaw protested, "I'll see you over there soon then?"
"Yeah," Penfold slurred, "whatever."
Ahdkaw threw the key to the zebra, who failed completely to catch it, what with having hooves instead of hands, and strolled out of the Death of Minds, heading to the Death Arena.
Reply on 15/06/2002 02:32:47
"Come" said the Matneee
"Why" said the Emanuelle
"Because" said the Matneee
"Oh" said the Emanuelle
"We need to destroy the most giant of bees
'Though it may take rubbing cheese into our knees
and for reasons beyond me we must now rhyme
'Coz the era of trenchcoats must now have it's time"
And so Matneee and his trenchcoat mentor headed off to the cloning plant to declare armaggedon. Two coats. One building. One result. War is hell, but sometimes you've just got to stand up for what you believe in.
Reply on 15/06/2002 17:38:27
a lone heavily robed figure sat reading the weekly thud. or at least what had been the weekly thud. it was now called something else, though, like all newspapers, it was still crap. the figure pulled out a kit and began the traditional joint rolling ritual of the now mostly subverted herbalists guild.
the squirrel should be here soon:he thought to himself as he lit the fat hooly.the inebriated zebra, more shitfaced than drunk fell into a chair and put a bottle oon the table. he poured two glasses, said cheers, and drank both. the lone figure raised an eyebrow at the zebra who replied: will you marry me?
lone figure:no go marry a chair or something/
zebra:sounds veryy good.
the zebra fell over.
nub grozwik, horab's master butler walked into the death of minds. he sat down and slapped the zebra several times across the face, indicating he should get ff the floor and serve him. the zebra did not seem to pay attention to the slaps, and continued to snore, loudly. the lone firgure passed the joint to nub, who took a long fat toke off it and passed it back. he the went to fixing soem drinks at the bar.
lone figure: get me a kieth's would ya?
nub:are you sure, it may be dangerous.
the lone figure laughs heartily: danger is an occupational hazzard, nub.
nub returned with the drinks, and the figure passed him the joint again.
lone figure: is the clone army delivered?
nub: it is master. arizu means to use it against the chegwin at it's weekest points.
lone figure: sounds like a good plan.
nub: indeed master.
they sat drinking thier drinks and smoking the monster cannon...
Reply on 28/06/2002 03:18:07
Nothing happened. Nothing happened for quite some time. 14 seconds after nothing had happened for quite some time, Matneee crashed through the roof of the Death of Minds. In one hand he was holding a talkative tarantula called Terry, and in the other he held a now defunct black rooster.
Dazed, yet needing to regain his usually ephemeral senses, Matneee sank his head into the nearest barrel. Fortunately, it contained nothing worse than kitchen waste.
Terry turned to face the screen. He wore a look of disgust upon his face.
"And you say I've got to nurse that back to health??"
"Yes." intoned the mysterious voice from the bright side.
"Ah, Bollocks!" swore Terry. "I hate reincarnation. One slight mass-murder and I've got to come back as this cretin's guardian angel. Now how does walking go again? leg 2, leg 4, leg 5, le,ouch start again..
