The Land of Thud

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The Happy Farm (Abatoir)

Started on 21-08-2001 16:03:19 GMT

Many years back the people of Thud lived "on the rough" so to speak, the population was small enough to allow the hunter-gatherer mentality to continue without any visible effect to the enviroment (Darker Forest had plenty of stocks). It wasn't until the population explosion, when it was found that more and more residents were complaining about trying to trap and kill various talking animals, which had the remarkable ability to question the hunters purpose.

"Why can't we just get along?", they would say, "Please don't kill me, I'm only a small bunny", "I have a family to look after", etc.

It was on a cold winters night, that the city council met in chambers to decide on a solution. They usually met for secret meetings on cold winters night, as most of the speaking animals would be hibernating, and why cause any more upset than necessary?

And so they decided on building an abatoir, but they couldn't call it an abatoir, so they chose the name "The Happy Farm", most of the talking animals were non-plussed with this new structure specifically built for their pleasure and moved in straight away.

---------------------------

A crowd had gathered around the newly installed "Super-Shocka". Chop stands idly by waiting for his next opportunity to kill the next "Daisy The Cow". He hated cows, they always tended to refer to themselves as Daisy, "Damn them and their 'Overmind'", he often thought to himself.

But the new Happy Farms Tours bringing a new injection of cash, had him brought to the level of no longer really caring about any of the animals he routinely killed.

Stupid Tourist 1: Does it hurt them?
Chop: Oh they feel nothing. We gag them first, don't want them talking while being killed now do we? (a gaggle of giggles rise from the crowd), and then we blindfold 'em, bash 'em over the back of the head with an implement similar to this brick hammer I have in my hand, then we shock 'em so they don't wake up. After that, they're ready for cutting up and putting in bin bags for later consumption.
Stupid Tourist 2: Don't you think it's cruel?
Chop: It's not cruel! You go and have a look what they do to them in the Death Arena! Now that's entertainment!

Reply on 21/08/2001 16:21:01

Lise walks carefully up to Chop, narrowly avoiding a puddle of blood.
'I have a food order from The Death. It'll be collected later.' she said.
Chop took the order, read it and grunted.


Kaz.

Reply on 29/12/2001 14:50:22

Times were hard in the Happy Farm. Ever since the foot in mouth scare it had been very quiet in the Land of Thud. And no place more so than in the happy farm. Oh sure, it had all been plain sailing in the begining - after all, there was no better preamble to a traditional Sunday dinner than getting the family together, driving the old ox-cart down to the farm to see the cute, fluffy talking animals, getting little Rodney to pick out a special favorite and coaxing it into singing a gentle ballad, all before cutting its carotoid artery and watching it writhe and thrash, screaming to its death with bright red froth spurting out of it's little neck. Lunch just wasn't the same without it.

However, these days it just wasn't the same. No-one came to visit. The air was clear of song and screams alike and the gutters ran dry of blood. Even Big Mad Alfred never came to visit. Not since the incident with the rubber tubing and the vaseline. Chop had been struck by deep depression and had long since followed the doctors orders to go on a long trip to warmer climes. Frankly, there just wasn't much for the new butcher to do...

"Hello there!" said a particularly fuzzy sheep.
Silence, came the answer.
"Sunday again tomorrow, I see. Do you think we'll have any visitors this time?"
Again silence. If anything, this silence was louder.
"You're not much of a one for conversation, are you?" spluttered the sheep between mouthfulls of cud.
The man began to pick at his nails furiously. But still no words.
"Suit yourself, Mr.Slaughterman. Just trying to be polite. After all, I'd hate to be killed one day by you if I hadn't got to know you."
"Look!" he snapped, finally. "Sheep can't talk! They're not noted for it! School was very clear on the matter - 'Sheep, domestic ruminant. White, fuzzy and a leg at each corner. Given to eating grass, looking startled and reciting poetry.' I'm sure I would have remembered the last bit, don't you think? And as sheep can't talk, I am clearly coing mad. But as I don't want to go mad, I'm just going to pretend it's not happening and ignore you if it's all the same!"
And so saying, he crossed his arms and turned away, a bit sulkily.
"Oh." reflected the sheep. "I didn't know you felt so strongly on the matter."
"I'm not listening!" Hissed the butcher between clenched teeth.
"What's your name?" asked the sheep not unkindly.
"Keith. Now shut up."
The sheep froze, tufts of half-chewed grass protruding from it's mouth.
"Did you say Keith?" It stammered, clearly afraid. "Keith as in Keith with the identical twin Keith and his brother Keith, with the best friend called Keith who all look startlingly similar? Oh God, I thought Matneee was just drunk again. I never thought that... Oh, shitty death! Erm look, Ive just got too... umm, yes. well. Goodbye!" And with that, it turned on it's tail and fled.

Keith looked up and turned round. Of talkative sheep there were none to be seen. He smiled and sighed with relief
"Thank god for that." he thought to himself. "I new there was no such thing as talking sheep."
"Too bloody right." said Bernard the invisible leprachaun from where he perched on his shoulder, smoking a pipe.
"And you can shut up as well."

Reply on 23/05/2002 09:32:45

Arizu followed the suited man into the happy farm. Happily thinking about all the conservative she get delivered to her house in the suburb of doom. Little did she know that the place was full of chegwins.

Two little dicky birds sitting ona wall, one named Peter one named Paul.
Fly away Peter, fly away Paul, no more little dicky birds, shit all over the wall.

Reply on 10/06/2002 10:01:58

Arizu walked into the Happy Farm, no easy task considering the rabbit patrols surrounding the area. Damn it she felt like she'd walked into watership down territory. The matter wasnt helped by the 3 headed runt trying to eat the chicken officers inspecting their papers.

A young lamb secretary eventually led her into the top cow's office.
"Sit down. Mary says youre here for the sponsor job?"
"Yep, the job was made for me. I actually got offered the position by the previous, umm, management."
"All right, well what are your qualifications?"
"As you can see Ive got the incredibly huge broadsword", she said, heaving the impossibly big thing onto his desk, careful not to scratch the woodwork,"I'm well known in the arena, especially for jealously guarding my young conservative strips. I can turn into the cuttest little cat youve ever seen, and i have an adorable yet unruly sidekick pet, both perfect for merchandising. Think of the childrens action figure line, the clothes range, comic books, art books, t-shirts, etc etc. And i have the highest record at the death of minds for the number of strips consumed under a minute."
"Hmmm, okay, youve got the job."
"Thank you, i knew youd realise im perfect for it."
"Yes, but more importantly no one else applied for the job."
"Oh. Anyhow how about we celebrate with some of those new flavours, huh? And you can start sending the crates to my apartment."
"Oh we wont be able to send you any strips until we recover the suburbs."
"NOOOOOOOOOOO! Bastard, heartless keiths. In that case ill take those celebratory strips with me. I've got an army to round up."

Arizu left the happy farm with murder in her eyes. Some playfull spaming, murder and destruction she could forgive but this was too much."Come on Runt, stop eating the office workers."

Sith Lords kick ass!

Reply on 15/06/2002 17:42:32

The Happy Farm had been preparing for this moment for nearly a month, once they had taken back control from the Chegwins, and secured the area, they had begun with the work of building a refugee camp to hold upto 100,000. They had meant to cater for 200,000 Thudders, but there just hadn't been the time. They would have to set-up temporary shelter further south if more came.

Although the chegwins had taken The Death Arena, Ahdkaw and the Thuddian Army had fought well. The sweet smell of fried spam permeated the air, as the flames from the front ranks licked the SpamChegwinWarriors. Many troops were lost purely out of need of meat once more, ever since the vegetarian ban had been put in place. The Young Conservative Strips were nice, admittedly, but it just wasn't the same. Ahdkaw had tried to drag some of them back, but upon looking into their eyes, he knew they were already lost.

Ahdkaw was struggling to organise some 75,000 troops, back toward the Happy Farm, but the Chegwins were still coming. They were getting pushed back faster than they had expected. It was happening too quick!

The Happy Farm appeared in the distance, and Ahdkaw could see that the choppers were still sat there, 'Damn,' he thought. Sending some troops ahead, Ahdkaw headed to the front ranks and faced the overwhelming chegwin menace. BenThudded was still there, of course, burning the clones like burgers on an unattended barbeque.

"We can't hold them much longer, we need a distraction or something," BenThudded called out.
"We have no choice," Ahdkaw replied, "We're too early, and the choppers are on the ground!"
"Crap," BenThudded commented, "What about the witches? Do we know whether they are already there?"
"No," ruminated Ahdkaw, "But she's a sly one that Eldorada, I'm sure she made it."
"You think we'd have radio's wouldn't you?" BenThudded persisted.
"Didn't think of that," admitted Ahdkaw.

BenThudded and Ahdkaw looked up just in time to see a new surge of Chegwins coming from the Death Arena, "Run away!" Ahdkaw yelled.
And they ran. And ran. And ran. They ran for quite a while actually.

By the time they reached The Happy Farm, the choppers were in the air, the bravest pigs in Thud piloting. The cows in tanks were rolling out, and ninja sheep could be seen jumping over fences. Quite hypnotic.

Soon, they were in, Ahdkaw and BenThudded brought the troops in behind the defensive lines to regroup and recoup. Cow-Tse-Tung approached from the nearest barn, looking resplendent in his Young Consertive suit and fedora. He had a big smile; Ahdkaw visibly relaxed.

"Everything is in place," Cow-Tse-Tung spake.

The choppers were attacking now, firing off tens of missiles into the crowds of spam warriors moving at speed toward the farm. Huge burning lumps of spam where scattered across the land, the explosions instantly igniting the highly flammable spam warriors. It was possibly the most humiliating defeat the Chegwins had ever had.

The chegwins stopped coming then. Ahdkaw knew there would be more coming soon. He had noticed a certain regularity in the release of new chegwins, it seemed the numbers were doubling every day. The last batch he had noticed counted at about 65,536. Ahdkaw walked passed Cow-Tse-Tung with Ben in tow and into the barn from where the cow had come.

In the far corner, Ypicitis and Eldorado were stood above their cauldron, they looked up, and saw Ahdkaw, who nodded to them. Eld nodded to Ypicitus who swiftly moved her hand across the top of the cauldron.

"The shield is up," Ypiticus confirmed.
"Good," said Ahdkaw, "Now I just hope the Horabs are finally ready."
Eldorado threw a copy of The Weekly THUD over to Ahdkaw, he caught it and looked. It was the same but different. It was now The Weekly CHEGWIN. Ahdkaw read of the capture of the witches and looked up in disbelief, "But how...?" he mumbled.
"Never believe what you read in a paper, Ahdkaw", Eld said.

Reply on 15/06/2002 18:09:58

the horabs were obviously very, very drunk. they stumbled into the happy farm, just as it was beign attacked by a great many chegwins. noticing this horab turned to horab.
horab:this looks like some bad magumbo here.
horab: yes it does, we better go kill something
horab: i think i lost my gun
horab:you dumbass, your shitfaced aren't you?
horab:i'm not even drunk ya hoser!
Horab:take off eh! i don't nee...
at this particualr moment, a chegwin markviii threw a tentacle through horab's chest, causing him to look around in astonishment. as huis guts spilled out and made a mess of the dirt road, horab pulled out his pistols and blasted at the monster. this only pissed it off, and it reached out a tentacle, grab horab's head, and twisted it off.
horab watched in horror as his other selves were painfully killed. he pulled out a smite-o-zap ray pistol, onyl to have his arm suddenly tugged right off his shoulder. he turned to horab in horror, who pulled out a ciggarette and lit it. he surveyed himself being killed, and then grabbed his beam saber and sliced off a tentacle.
the chegwin mkviii did not like this, and howled a deafing howl of pain. it shot a tentacel at horab, who side stepped and carved it down the middle. the chegwin mkviii screamed again. it reared up, and looking mighyily forocius, spit a huge gob of ultra-corrosive spam at horab. it hit him in the face and disolved his head before he knew what was going on...

Reply on 18/06/2002 07:25:29

Ypicitus looked up from her cauldron, "They're here."
Eld, Ahdkaw, and Ben quickly wandered over and looked.

The image in the cauldron showed the big spaceship hung heavy in the darkness above Thud, the familiar logo of the alien race of Th'eik emblazoned upon the side with the quite catchy sublogo of 'Keith Cleaning Our Speciality'.

"Phew," Ahdkaw surmised, "Took 'em bloody long enough."
"Well," countered Eld, "We did call them two days ago, and they have had to travel 300,000 light years, so I'd say that's pretty quick."
"Alright, but look what has happened to this place in the mean time."
"It won't last long, they're here now, worry not, freedom from the Chegwins is nigh."
"What will they do?"
"Well, I'm not quite sure, I've never seen them clean Chegwins before."
"Perhaps they use some kind of Keith Vacuum."
"Perhaps."

Ypicitus double-tapped the screen in the lower middle, and a map of the City of Thud, showing each Chegwin warrior as a red blip.
"They're moving out of the city," said Ypicitus.
"Huh?" Ahdkaw was nonplussed.
Eld turned to Ahdkaw to explain, "We are aware that the Th'eik are here."
"Yes..."
"Well, so do the Keiths"
"Ah..." it finally clicked, "So there retreating to consolidate?"
"They're retreating because they're shitting their pants!", Eld corrected.
"Surely they wouldn't give up the City just like that!?"
"They know they're in trouble now, they moved too early."
"Time to return to the City?"
"Yes it is time."

Reply on 11/07/2002 13:25:44

Arizu had set up residence in a penthouse at the top of the Happy Farm. She was standing by the window looking out over thud, the pink light of the neon signs on the roof illuminating her face. Things had not turned out as shed planned, she hadnt meant to challenge ben for the position of mayor she just didnt want HIM to be it, or at least to get offered a bodyguard job. But Mayorette Arizu did sound damn funky. She repeated it to herslef. Yes, she would become mayorette. She summoned one of the Horab clones she kept round to satisfy her every whim and ordered him to bring her some chinese food.She patted runt on the head while writting a note which she then attached to its colar. "Good puppy. Now go find lyric."

Lie on the couch, surrender all your secrets and be saved. Ka ching!

Reply on 12/07/2002 05:44:14

lyric bursts into Arizu's penthouse. "mmmmmmChinese, bring me some of that too Horab15, will you?

"Arizu, you will make a great mayorette. About the shopping thing. Since Ak has gone missing, I think we should charge all our purchases to his account. I mean we are going to rescue him, so he should not mind at all." Runt begins nibbling on Arizu's Young Conservative Won Tons, while lyric tucks into young conservative Har Kew, "mmmmm very good Horab15, get yourself a beer and join us. We better take him with us to carry the packages. I see a lot of shopping ahead, and I am not reading tea leaves"

Lyric: Arizu have you heard Ben Thudded is trying to give himself a young kewl look? Silly git he is bald and 50 at least.
Arizu: what is he doing?
Lyric: Well he tried to get one of those Celtic tattoos around his arm, you could hear his screams all over the city. Only got half of it done and ran for his life. He also got his eyebrow pierced. Stupid, rat. Got his glasses caught in the ring and it took his dodgy secretary Angus something or other, the better part of an hour to untangle it.
Arizu: hehe.
lyric: Wait, the best part. He was wearing some extra baggy jeans. They fell down when he was addressing his few supporters. The Arizu party has been posting pictures of braces all over the city.

"Don't Get Thudded"
VOTE ARIZU

"I think you need some new clothes for campaigning as well as a new rifle. And I am in search of the Golden Grater"